Second Graders Rule Because of Their Rules

Second graders are the wisest people on the planet. Much of their advanced knowledge comes from learning to make decisions quickly on the playground. When recess is only 20 minutes, you need to pick teams and get on with the game.

No More Survivor

If the television networks were smart, they’d make my daughter the host of the next Survivor reality show. Instead of an exotic location like Survivor: Amazon, it could be filmed right here in our town and renamed something that would draw in a younger demographic &#0151 Survivor: Washington Elementary Playground, for instance. The show would start with 20 kids and be over in 22 seconds, allowing enough time for a kickball game before the recess bell rings.

How do you condense a program that usually takes 30 days down to 22 seconds? Like this:

Inka binka bottle of ink,

the cork fell off and you stink,

not because you're dirty,

not because you're clean,

just because ya kissed a boy

behind a mag-a-zine.

“You’re the survivor, Jenny”, my daughter would announce. “Now let’s beat the boys at kickball.”

Tim Bete (pronounced “beet”) is married with three children. He has nine combined years as a dad — 63 in dog years — which makes him an expert at answering the questions, “Are we there yet?” and “Why?” To subscribe to Tim’s column or read more of his work, visit his website at www.timbete.com.

A Picking Game

The other day our second grade daughter was in our driveway with some friends trying to decide what game to play next. That’s when I heard the familiar refrain “Bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish, how many pieces do you wish.”

I stopped dead in my tracks. “Bubble gum, bubble gum” is a “picking game” of the “one potato, two potato” variety. It’s also the way I made decisions in second grade &#0151 33 years ago. I was in awe. Management theories come and go. Negotiation techniques are here today and gone tomorrow. Political philosophies fade away. But “Bubble gum, bubble gum” had stood the rough-and-tumble test of playground time. It was still rock solid.

“Bubble gum, bubble gum” should be made the cornerstone dispute resolution method, especially in the business world. I could be wrong though. “Inky binky bonkey” might be better.

Inky binky bonkey

Daddy had a donkey

Donkey died

Daddy cried

Inky binky bonkey

The person whose hand gets the “key” of the last “bonkey” is out. Simply ingenious! If that’s not a great way to resolve the next airline management/labor dispute, I don’t know what is. Last one in gets to decide what to do with the pension fund.

New Way to Resolve Disputes?

The amazing thing about “Inky binky bonkey” is that not a word has changed in decades. You would at least have thought it would have been updated for the times. Something like:

Inky binky bonkey

Daddy has an SUV

Guzzled gas

No more cash

Inky binky bonkey

If we had only sent in a second grader instead of the Supreme Court during the last presidential election, the vote counting discrepancies would have been resolved much quicker.

Second grader: Mr. Bush, Mr. Gore, please put out one fist each.

Engine, engine number nine, coming down Chicago line, if your train goes off the track, do you want your money back?

Mr. Gore, your answer?

Gore: I’ve always been in favor of government subsidies for transportation infrastructure. If my plan had been enacted, the track would have been properly maintained and the train wouldn’t have derailed.

Second grader: A simple “yes” or “no” please, Mr. Gore.

Gore: Uhhh, no.

Second grader: N-O and you will not be it, congratulations Mr. Bush, you’re the president of the United States.

Gore: I knew we should have done “Inky binky bonkey.”

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