Oklahoma City, OK — The women place tiny, faceless dolls into an empty cradle laden with sad but hopeful symbolism.
The dolls could have been toys for children, but in a gut-wrenching twist, the playthings symbolize something more somber — aborted children.
Given names and placed in the cradle at the foot of the church altar, the dolls represent the women's act of laying their children to rest — and a springboard to a future of forgiveness and healing through Rachel's Vineyard.
As Kelly watched her two children grow over the years, she mourned the loss of a little one who never had a chance at life. Her grief over the child she aborted in her teens snowballed into depression, along with tremendous guilt that never seemed to go away.
This past year, the Oklahoma City woman attended a retreat for people seeking healing after an abortion. At the event, sponsored by the Archdiocese of Oklahoma City, she let go of the guilt and anguish that had tormented her for more than 20 years.
A Rachel's Vineyard weekend retreat, set for Sept. 13- 15, is sure to be asmuch of a blessing to those who attend, she said.
“For me, the healing was huge,” said Kelly, who asked that her last name not be published. “The retreat is God's healing at its best.”
Forgiving the unforgivable is the divine act at the heart of Rachel's Vineyard, said Susan Lepak, with the Archdiocese's Office of Family Life.
Started by the Catholic church, the nationwide retreats based on God's healing love have gained momentum and are being coordinated in interdenominational settings, Lepak said.
They are open to people of all faiths, men and women, she said. Women most often come to the retreat alone, but mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, couples and fathers of aborted children attend, as well.
Women who have aborted children often do not talk about it or the grief and guilt that follows, Lepak said.
She said people don't rush in to provide solace to women who have abortions, as they would after a miscarriage or the funeral of a youngchild. “They don't come over and bring food. They don't send flowers.”
The women often experience symptoms of Post Abortion Syndrome, Lepaksaid. These symptoms include bouts of crying, depression, guilt, inability toforgive themselves, emotional numbness, eating disorders, anxiety and panic attacks, lowered self-esteem, flashbacks and sleep disturbances.
Lepak said the last place these women expect to gain support is in the church.
But who better than the church to offer Scripture-based help and guidance toward God's love and forgiveness, she said.
“The women feel condemned by the church,” Lepak said. “The church condemns abortion because it is wrong, but we are all sinners. We've all aborted God's will in our lives in some way. So, the church does not condemn the sinner; it condemns the action.”
“We are called to bring them back to the body of Christ with love and compassion.”
Lepak said the weekend retreat will combine discussions, spiritual exercises, the sacrament of reconciliation, a memorial service in which people symbolically lay to rest their aborted children in a cradle at the altar, and a Mass of Resurrection.
“To see other women who have gone through this and that they are not alone– that helps. To see that other women who have not had abortions are not condemning them — that helps,” she said.
And forgiveness is key.
“The common denominator is this tremendous guilt,” Kelly said. “I knew thatGod had forgiven me. I had talked to my pastor about it, but when I started having my children, I could not believe that I could destroy them, which is what I had done to my child.”
Martha, another retreat attendee who asked that her last name not be published, said the retreat helped her deal with the question of forgiveness that had loomed over her.
“You are able to grieve your child and let go — and know that God forgave you,” Martha said of the retreat.
She said she tried self-help books, counseling and other things to extinguish the pain of her abortion more than 20 years ago. When she gathered the courage to call and register for a retreat earlier thisyear,the torrent of tears that flowed just from speaking to the registrar let her know she needed to attend.
Kelly said she showed up at two retreats, but left before actually joining the gathering. Her courage did not fail her the third time, and now she is helping others go through the retreat process.
Lepak said the power to change lives — the foundation of the Rachel's Vineyard retreats — is that of a higher one.
“We show them that God can forgive them. His mercy can forgive them. It's the power of the Holy Spirit that does the work.”
