Dear Catholic Exchange,
A family member who is currently not married but in a relationship with a man that is not the father of her 3-year-old daughter, and has yet to obtain an annulment for a previous marriage, continues to go to mass and receive communion. We feel we want to directly tell her that receiving communion while in grave sin is such an offense to Jesus. However, being a family member, we feel it might lead her to leaving the church. In the past we have spoken up and advised her, but she has not listened. Any suggestions of what else we could do?
Ms. Duiker
Dear Ms. Duiker,
Peace in Christ!
An important factor to be considered is whether she is actively pursuing an annulment. If not, it may be well to encourage her to do so. Further, if the parish priest is aware of the situation, perhaps he can try to talk with her, as well as the man she is dating if the priest is acquainted with him. Oftentimes, individuals are more receptive to advice from a non-family member. This might be the best approach to persuade your family member to either abstain from Communion, or to keep things on a “friends only” basis with the man she is currently dating and thus continue reception of Communion after going to Confession. It would probably be best if the priest spoke to the woman alone initially, as she might not react well if the priest were to approach the man she is dating. This could be viewed as an intrusive and underhanded manner of approaching her, to avoid dealing with her directly.
Another possibility would be if she has a non-family member who is both a trusted friend and a faithful Catholic. If so, that individual may be able to persuade her to either abstain from Communion or, preferably, keep the relationship on a “friends only” basis.
You don’t provide details about the relationship, but you note that you think she is in mortal sin. From that statement, I infer that she is either living with the man she is dating, or that she is being sexually intimate with him. If neither of those is occurring, then making a judgment regarding her state of grace can become more difficult for different reasons. As you know, mortal sin requires not only grave matter, but also sufficient reflection (full knowledge) and full consent of the will (cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, nos. 1857-61). In any event, dating another person when you are still married in the eyes of the Church is morally impermissible.
In speaking to her, you might consider the possibility of having someone prudently and pastorally share some or all of the following information, whether that person be the parish priest, a close friend, you, some other family member, or another.
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When a man and a woman give mutual consent according to the required form, assuming they are free to marry in the first place, they create a covenant — a state of being in which they have given themselves to each other — which cannot be broken by human word or act. Only death can end the covenant. Assuming consent was given in marital vows, the marriage still exists. Because of the Church’s duty to safeguard and preserve the dignity and integrity of marriage, the Church must presume the validity of a marriage until proven otherwise. No divorce certificate changes the fact that two people gave mutual consent and created an unbreakable bond (cf. Code of Canon Law, canon 1060). For additional information, please refer to our Faith Fact What Makes a Marriage? Consent, Consummation, and the Special Case of the Holy Family, which addresses how consent creates a valid marriage covenant.
However, a person who believes that consent was not given by himself or his spouse may seek to have this belief confirmed by the Church (please see online our Faith Fact on The Annulment Process). Hence, the declaration of nullity, more popularly known as an “annulment.” A married man or woman awaiting an annulment should not date because, by assumption, the bond endures from his/her marriage. Therefore, the person must likewise regard him or herself as married. When one seeks a declaration of nullity, one cannot presume that the case will be decided in his/her favor. Rather, one must await the judgment of the Church, as expressed via his local diocesan marriage tribunal. If your family member is dissatisfied with the judgment of the diocesan tribunal, she may appeal the decision.
Some people seeking annulments argue that they “know in their heart” that they were never married in God’s eyes, and that they may therefore pursue other relationships while the Church goes through the “formality” of declaring their first marriage null. These Catholics may appeal to the “internal forum solution,” an invalid moral equation often used to justify personal dissent from Church discipline and/or definitive Church teaching (see online our Faith Fact on Divorce and Remarriage: The Church's Perspective). However, a faithful Catholic should be docile to the Church in such matters, because it is the Church alone which has been given the powers to bind and loose by God (cf. Mt. 16:18; 18:15-18).
Finally, in deciding to date while awaiting an annulment, a person mistreats the individual he/she is dating. One gives the impression that he/she is free to date and that the granting of a declaration of nullity is certain. In turn, a person free to marry should not date a person who is awaiting an annulment. To do so would court a serious occasion of sin and risk significant hurt feelings. If the man whom your family member is dating is himself not free to marry, there are additional reasons why the two of them should not be dating, and the man likewise needs to address his own marital situation.
In summary, your family member needs help in seeing that a “friends only” relationship with this man is best for all involved, until such time as she is free to marry. In the meantime, you, other family members, and the local Church can reach out to her, providing her support as a single parent and in fellowship so that she is more likely to persevere in her walk with Christ.
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United in the Faith,
Thomas J. Nash
Senior Information Specialist
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