Mary Kochan replies:
I thank all these readers for their kind comments. It is certainly encouraging to hear about those fathers in the family and in the Church who do take their responsibilities seriously and understand how much they are needed.
Perhaps we can do more to affect our culture of immodesty. I’ve had some success imploring the management of my local grocery store to shield the covers of certain magazines visible in the checkout lanes. But my efforts are admittedly sporadic and limited. Parents who have banded together to pressure Wal-Mart have been able to accomplish even more in restricting objectionable material from the eyes of children.
Lately a young Catholic girl has put us all to shame in her outspoken stand against immodest dress. Modest yet stylish clothes may be available in our communities if we take the time to look for them. And then there is the option of sewing clothing. It may be that your sewing skills aren’t adequate to the making of an entire garment, but may suffice to add a layer of trim to the hem of a store-bought item.
We are fighting on several fronts. First there are the hearts of our daughters and granddaughters that we have to cultivate. We have an advantage here in that young girls naturally want to dress beautifully — dress-up play is one of their favorite things and we can entice them with beautiful, modest clothes. I recommend this essay on the connection between modesty and beauty.
We have commercial interests to fight — both those of huge corporations and our own. The less fabric that goes into clothes, the greater the profit in making them and the cheaper they can be sold to us bargain-hunters.
But perhaps the thing we have most to fight is our own sloth. In the face of the relentless media barrage of glossy ads and strip-teasing celebrities and with all the other battles we have in the culture war, can we spare the time and money to take this one on? Is it worth provoking a recalcitrant teenager? Is it worth planning weeks or months ahead for school clothes instead of rushing to the stores and finding ourselves at the mercy of the back-to-school sales? Is it worth paying a seamstress or taking the time to sew? I admit that even the questions are exhausting.
Pray for us, O Holy Mother of God, that we may made worthy of the promises of Christ.
Mary Kochan, Lead Content Editor and contributing author to Catholic Exchange, was raised as a third-generation Jehovah’s Witness. Before converting to Roman Catholicism, she worked in Evangelical Protestant ministry, speaking and teaching in many settings. She is a member of St. Theresa parish in Douglasville, GA. Her tapes are available from Saint Joseph Communications.
Mary Kochan is speaking at the Cathedral of Christ the King in Atlanta on two Fridays in August, the 13th and 20th at 7 p.m. For information about this free seminar, call 404-267-3671.
Mary is coordinating a presentation on Authoritarian Catholic Movements, for a conference on Understanding Cults, New Religious Movements and Other Groups to be held in Atlanta, Georgia, October 15-16, 2004. For more information and registration go here or email Mary Kochan.
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Dear Mary:
Thank you for this article. These are my sentiments, exactly — about a father's responsibility, dress of women and the duties of the fathers at the altar. Thank you for writing an essay that speaks so lovingly and so specifically to the theme of what a true father should be doing.
Sincerely,
Patricia Cornell
Mary,
Your article touched on a point that is dear to me. I have two teenage daughters and I am always aware of what they wear and when necessary, have often said those words a teenage dreads to hear: “You are not going out dressed like that.” Lucky for me, my daughters have fairly well-formed consciences and these occurrences are rare, but even so, once in a while, surprisingly just sometimes prior to Mass, I'll have to send my youngest back to her room for an additional layer of clothing to cover a little more skin. Which brings me to your point: Why is it that girls feel such a strong need to dress “to attract attention” at Mass? We live in an upper-middle-class community and so many girls dress as if they were going to the mall, the beach or a club. I agree with you on who are to blame — us dads.
I learned a long time ago how important a father's love and attention become to a girl in her teens. I've been blessed with two beautiful girls and I've always tried to love them and let them know how beautiful they are inside and out. I would feel completely to blame if either of my daughters felt that they never received the attention and love from their father and went out looking for it in the back seat of some teenage kid's car. It's not something any of us dads even want to think about, let alone have our daughters experience it.
Thank you for writing an article that so many of us need to acknowledge and re-dedicate ourselves to stand firm in every day.
God bless,
Ben
Thank you for a great article. I am the father of six children ages 26 to 5 and a step-granddad to a granddaughter seven years old. My daughter-in-law was brought into the Faith by my son, and in turn brought her daughter (the child of another relationship) as well into the faith. My wife and I were blessed to be her godparents a year before we knew if my son would marry her mother. We have been blessed to be given this gift, and I am so proud of my son for first helping bring two souls to the Church and to Jesus, and now stepping up to be a stepfather in the best meaning of those terms. Your expression of what a father should be and the special role of stepfathers and of course the wonderful role of the fatherhood of the priesthood was expressed so well. Thanks for making my day.
Lou Skojec
I enjoyed your column very much. I come from a long line of wonderful fathers. My mother's father was a devout and kindly man who, as a very young man, took over the family responsibilities when his own father abandoned them. My own father, who has gone to Mass daily as long as I have known him (and I'm pretty old!) has set such a good example that three of his five sons-in-law (including my husband) converted to Catholicism. And my husband — who has been a great example to our three daughters and son — held babies and changed diapers, and helped with their spiritual formation even before he was Catholic. And by the way — I agree with you on the distribution of communion 100%! Let the men be men; let the priests be priests.
Mari
“And then they all sat down, derelict, while a troop of laypeople came forward to help the new priest distribute Communion.
It's enough to bring on tears.”
We had the same thing happen for the 40th anniversary Mass for our former pastor. We had 7 priests concelebrating the Mass, and when it came time for Communion, 6 of them sat down and the EME's filed up. I wanted to go over to them and tell them: “Get up and do your job!”
Tony
Hello Mary:
I've been a regular reader of CatholicExchange.com for a few months, and I just had to write to compliment you on your article “Crisis of Fatherhood” — it was really nicely written, with nice thoughts about the role of fathers in both the family home and the Church. I truly appreciated your comments about the situation with the attire of people while attending Mass (to say nothing of the offensiveness of such attire even in day-to-day life). It is truly shocking what you see sometimes! I know that it is difficult to make comments to people about it — I mention to my own daughter every now and then about her “belly hanging out” — it might not be a nice thing to say all the time, but one of those fatherly-type of things that you mention!
I actually did get a tear in my eye when you mentioned the situation with Communion and the laypeople — it is an issue that I've heard discussed and commented on in several places. I think that it is shame that you could have half a dozen priests and none of them would perform their role in the distribution Holy Communion! I think that some things have been taken too far regarding the participation of the laity and the attempts to break down the barriers between the priest and the people. Father Shannon Collins spoke about this in his recording about Ecclesia de Eucharistia, if God would only call more priests like him to service (or if more men would listen!)
Anyway, your article was great — thanks for the work that you do (Catholic Exchange is a definite must-read for me every day!)
Regards,
Ken
