Mother’s Day 2009

Don’t even think about it! Don’t look at them. Don’t discuss it. And for the love of all that is holy do not buy them for me! I don’t care if it IS Mother’s Day and you, my most adorable children, think I’m the greatest Mom on Planet Earth. Or in the entire galaxy. Don’t do it.

But, you can do this. Tell me who the heck in Retail Marketing America decides what Moms want for Mother’s Day? Because next to me I have a stack of last Sunday’s ads and believe me, outside of a few unaffordable baubles and somewhat affordable perfume (which I buy for myself not that my father in law, God Rest His Soul, no longer does), there’s nothing in those ads I want.

Thank you Walmart, but I do NOT want a greeting card with a picture of someone else’s kid on it. They’ll never be as cute as mine and omg what if for some bizarre reason I think they ARE cuter than mine—well that’ll just throw the whole Sunday into a funk. I don’t need that dilemma, thankyouverymuch.

Um and Lowes? I don’t want paint. No matter how much I love Valspar any other day of the year. If I get a gallon of Satin Finish Goldenrod for Mother’s Day I’m moving to Timbuktu. So, you say, in a pretty pink circle on the front page: “It’s All About Mom- See more on page 9”. I turned to page 9. Oh look: flowers that only mom will plant. And fertilize. And weed. And find a place to recycle the pots in which they came because they’re marked 5 and I’d feel guilty from now until next Mother’s Day if I chunked them in the trash. Ahhhh….and a picture of a “mom” in a rocker reading the paper with a beverage. And this would happen how? Are you also selling the babysitter, beverage and peace and quiet?

JCPenney’s “Spring Home Sale Starts Today!” was headlined on their sales booklet three lines above, “love mom, her day is Sunday May 10”. Translated: “Hurry in and buy some curtains to hang and more sheets and towels for Mom to launder on Sunday, May 10th and every day thereafter!”

Ahhh, then there’s Belk where Bulova watches are 25% off! Now Mom can constantly check her wrist to make sure she’s not late chauffeuring another offspring to soccer, piano, school, and shopping for anything and everything but something for her. Yippee. How convenient.

So. The ad that was missing and I’ll never see? The one for a Mommy Imposter. Remember her? Imposter Mom? The one who shows up at high school orientation and pretends to be you because you’re not possibly old enough to have a child in high school? Where’s the ad for her? Cuz this is the one day I actually want her around.

Let her hang the new curtains.

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