It Helps to Know Some Buzzwords



I learned quite a few buzzwords when I was studying business administration in grad school. You know, those “jargonistic technical words used especially to impress non-professionals,” as defined by Webster's Dictionary. It's been a while but I bet I could still map the core processes of some critical success factors and re-engineer a few value streams using Pareto analysis.

When my son, Paul, turned six, I realized how much money I had wasted on my MBA. Instead of investing tens of thousands of dollars in higher education, I could have purchased a talking action figure for $19.95. Paul, got a talking Buzz Lightyear for his birthday.

“Look, Dad,” Paul said. “He says Buzz words when you push this button.”

Indeed, he did. Buzz Lightyear had a limited-yet impressive-vocabulary that could land him a tenured position at Harvard business school. Buzz would even make quite an effective executive at a Fortune 500 company. I can almost imagine his first day on the job at a meeting of middle managers…

“Hi, my name's Dave. I don't think we've met before.”

“I am Buzz Lightyear! I come in peace!”

“You come in peace? You must be from marketing. There has been a little tension between you guys and R&D lately. How are sales?”

“To infinity and beyond!”

“You marketing guys are always so over optimistic. But, orders have been steady. We're having trouble getting them out the door. Our overnight delivery service has been incredibly unreliable and it's ticking off the president, Mr. Woodman.”

“Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!” (Buzz talks into his wrist radio)”Buzz Lightyear to Star Command. ..Woody, I'm trapped. I need your help. This is an intergalactic emergency!”

“Wow, you call Mr. Woodman, 'Woody?'”

“…Woody, we need air support…”

“That's incredible, Buzz! You solved our problem with a single call.”

“Mission accomplished. Look at my impressive wingspan!”

“Well, you don't have to brag…”

Buzz Lightyear was the theme of Paul's sixth birthday party. We bought a Buzz cake, plates and napkins. My wife and I came up with Buzz Lightyear games, like Buzz tag and Super Galactic Space Jump.

But, all Paul really wanted to do was play a six-inning baseball game with his friends. I told him there wasn't enough time to play baseball because we had an action-packed two hours filled with cake, ice cream, presents and party games. I also offered the option of playing “Buzz says,” a space-age version of “Simon says.”

I began the first round of “Buzz says” with commands such as, “Buzz says, 'Show off your impressive wing span!'” Paul was the last kid left standing at the end of the round, so he got to be Buzz next.

“Buzz says, 'Do a double back flip over your own shadow!'” commanded Paul. “Buzz says, 'Knock your head into the person's next to you!'” he continued, proving that his command of Buzz words was at the senior executive level.

Then Paul, realizing he was omnipotent, commanded, “Buzz says, 'Play baseball!'” All eight boys ran off to grab a ball and bat and happily played for the rest of the party.

There's one thing they didn't teach me in grad school &#0151 how to manage six-year-old boys.

Tim Bete (pronounced “beet”) is married with three children. He has nine combined years as a dad — 63 in dog years — which makes him an expert at answering the questions, “Are we there yet?” and “Why?” To subscribe to Tim’s column or read more of his work, visit his website at www.timbete.com.

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