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Dear Ms. Allen,
Thank you for your article. Unfortunately, I am a husband and a father with “The Perfect Family.” We have a little four year-old girl and we just had our boy, by Caesarian section, and my wife had her tubes tied. I cried about it before it happened and I have cried about it since. I talked to a priest and I tried to explain to my wife why she shouldn't have it done, but to no avail. She doesn't believe, despite her upbringing in the Catholic faith. I screwed up! For too many years I was complacent. I knew that contraception was wrong, but I didn't want to stand up to her in fear of losing her. So I just went along with it. When the time came for this ultimate decision, there was no hope I could change her mind because telling her it was against God's will meant nothing to her and my complacency had only made that even more deeply believed by her. She has already said things indicating regret, although she would never admit it to me. I have asked for God's forgiveness for my failures and I know he has forgiven me, as you know he has forgiven you. But it still hurts every time I think about it.
May God bless you,
E.D.
Dear Catholic Exchange,
Thank you for forwarding me this letter. I have responded to the man, although I did not expect to get into such an exchange when I posted my article on your site.
The work you do is helping so many people. Catholic Exchange has given me great insight into areas of my faith and personal life that I was not aware were out of balance or “wrong.” I don't always like to read what you post because it leads to sometimes painful introspection and review of my life. But, I believe it has helped strengthen my faith. To read things and change for the better as a result is a blessing.
I know you all work long hours and probably every day, but you're feeding the flock. Keep up what you're doing.
Thank you,
Anita Allen
Out of Slavery and Into Sonship
Dear Catholic Exchange,
I am 70 years old, retired. I am searching for the peace of Christ in books, conversation, etc. Born and raised Roman Catholic I still suffer from legalism and guilt on a daily basis. I “believe in the one He has sent.” I was an only child raised on unfulfillable expectations, and am now a father and husband of 48 years with six children and 19 grandchildren. On July 25, I will have (God willing) seven years of sobriety thanks to the grace and blessings of God and the AA program. But I am uneasy. I am uncomfortable. I do no feel I please God because I am a sinner — a repentant sinner, but a sinner. Do I do enough in the areas God wants me to? Why do I feel so selfish and guilty all the time? Why do I feel I don't deserve to sit and read? In other words, fear rules me.
Isaac had success as a result of his humility and faithfulness to God's will for his life. He had a sense of his own sinfulness and admitted it and sought cleansing and renewal. And God revealed His will to Him. I want that. I want to be that. Not holier than thou, just a person who moves in the direction God wants me to go. I cannot find it. Things in my life today are immeasurably better than they have ever been. I can say, honestly, that these last few years have been the best years of my life. But I do not feel fulfilled. I'm not sure I'm doing what God wants me to do. I could go on for another thousand words, but I trust you have heard this cry before.
Blessings,
Jim C.
Avalon, NJ
Dear Jim,
Servile fear is not from God, so it may well be that the reaction that you feel against it is God's gift — God's way of telling you that you are not his slave but his son. One thing you could experiment with is speaking to that fear in the words of St. John: “Perfect love casts out fear” and then praising God that he loves you and is not angry at you for your weakness. Remember: concupiscence (the weakness we experience) is not “sin”. This is the teaching of the Church. Concupiscence is sort of the “trick knee” we have to put up with even after the injury of original sin is healed by the Divine Surgeon in baptism. Now the Holy Spirit is doing therapy on us, getting us up and walking. He is empathetic — not angry — when the knee goes out now and then. He's eager to forgive, not to stand there fuming and tapping his foot while we groan with pain. He is with you, not against you, like a really good coach.
The desire to go more deeply into the heart of God is certainly God's gift to you. But that gift is given in love — fondness, if you will — not power and terror and domination. Yes, the fear of the Lord is necessary. But not servile fear. It is the fear of a son who loves his Father, not the fear of a son who is terrified of his Father. Ask God to begin freeing you from this fear with each Eucharist you receive. It probably won't all come at once, but it is absolutely and knowably his will that you be freed from it, for it is not from him, but from the devil. And he snookers us with this fear to keep us slaves and keep us from understanding who we truly are in Christ. Here is what Paul says:
For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of sonship. When we cry, “Abba! Father!” it is the Spirit himself bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him (Romans 8:15-17).
That's the teaching of the Church. Or, as Pope John Paul II says, “Be not afraid.” Begin to tell the devil what Jesus really says and then find some simple concrete way to live that each day, such as thanking God for making you his son, or (when you sin) thanking God that his response to you is not disgust or rage, but to put it in your heart to desire to get right with him and a happy willingness to answer that desire with mercy in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
He is Emmanuel — God with you, not against you. 🙂
Blessings!
Mark Shea
Senior Content Editor
Catholic Exchange
