How To Turn Shame Into Grace



Not long ago, over lunch with a Jewish friend, I began to discuss the subject of guilt. After I concluded that guilt appeared to weigh heavily on both Catholics and Jews, my friend had this to say: “Yes, we Jews know all about guilt. Our mothers raise us to feel guilty. But you Catholics appear to go a step further. You seem to be raised to feel shame.”

Do Catholics experience shame more than people of other faith traditions? I’m not sure about that, but I do know that the experience of shame can do great damage to our spirit.

While shame can cause great suffering, guilt usually does less damage. Because guilt is the feeling that we have done something wrong. Shame is the feeling that our very self is wrong.

Original shame, or original sin, is the consequence of the disobedience of Adam and Eve. As a result of their sin, Adam and Eve are expelled from the Garden of Eden. Suddenly, they realize they are naked “so they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves” to cover their shame (Gen 3:7b).

Since the fall of our first parents, and when we have experienced shame, we have sewn figurative leaves over our souls. Brittle leaves such as withdrawal from others, attacking of self, attacking of others and avoidance. In the fever of such times we are, as were Adam and Eve, frail, exposed and limited. That is when we most need to be clothed in God’s grace. That is when we most need God’s response to the first Adam, which was to send a second Adam, the risen Christ, to restore us to grace and peace. In the presence of the risen Christ we discover that where before there was sin, grace is now all the more.

It is probable that all of us have suffered from shame. For many of us, there is only a thin skin that covers our shame. At the slightest agitation to our psyche, low self-esteem or even depression can surface and spread like a blush. We can have shame over the way we were introduced to sexuality, or over our sexuality itself. We can experience shame over our appearance — how much we weigh, our height, or other body features. We can have shame because of a lack of intelligence or lack of skill that is expected in our work. Many people experience shame over ethnicity or race. Teenagers are often embarrassed or feel shame over their parents’ behavior or lack of social standing. Some people live with shame because of lack of social status based on income, education or profession.

Shame is seldom a scarlet letter one wears for all to see. It is mostly hidden and often a secret. When we hide our shame we hand our souls over to the evil one. When a large number of people hide shame, evil can emerge in society in acceptable ways, such as the greed we see in Hollywood producers who make money from children’s films that are laced with violence and sex. We need to do something about this problem, and can — by learning how to turn our own shame into grace.

To turn shame into grace we must first realize we cannot do this alone. Grace is a gift from God. Only God can turn shame into grace. But we can make ourselves ready to receive the healing balm of grace. We can be prepared.

The following are six ways to be prepared so that God may turn our shame into grace:

1) Realize the Difference between Good Shame and False Shame

Some shame is good and even healthy when it calls us to turn once again to Jesus who is the source of forgiveness, grace and salvation. Healthy shame lets us know when we are separated from God. Healthy shame can nag us to do something to reorder negative thoughts and behavior. Healthy shame reminds us we are beloved children of God, made in the image and likeness of God. And, as the Marriage Encounter movement insists, “God does not create junk!”

False shame surfaces within us when we feel disgust for ourselves and when we dwell in self-hatred. We can find sweetness in self-pity and self-loathing. But this sweetness can quickly sour to disgrace (dis-grace). Despair often follows, which is a total denial of God’s goodness, forgiveness, justice and mercy.

2) Name the Shame

The greatest power evil has over us is to remain hidden. In this regard, imagine a flat rock in a field. If we lift the rock, it is likely we will find creepy, crawling bugs hiding from daylight. Shame hides like those bugs in the dark places within us. But what happens when the rock in the field is turned over? The creepy, crawling bugs no longer have a place to hide. And so they scatter until they find another dark place. To turn shame into grace is to expose our secret to the light of Christ so that he may heal us.

There are many ways to expose shame. One way is to go to a priest and receive the sacrament of reconciliation. If you have a hidden and secret shame, I recommend you find a priest with whom you feel comfortable. Make an appointment with him. Tell him your secret shame and how it has affected your life. Ask for God’s absolution of your sin. And be confident that you are truly forgiven.

Like the rock in the field, sometimes it has to be turned over and over again to prevent evil from finding a home. While God’s forgiveness and mercy is always complete it does not always feel complete in us. Thus, we may need to expose our shame often to the bright light of Christ until our healing is complete.

3) Use the Spiritual Chemotherapy of Prayer

Shame is like a cancer on our soul, a cancer we cannot always heal through psychotherapy or self-help attitudes and behaviors. The reason for this is that the cancer virus of shame began with Adam’s disobedience to God. And because only God can forgive disobedience to God, we must return to God for healing. While psychotherapy can help greatly to deal with shame, at its root, shame is a spiritual problem. Thus, we need to return to Divine Physician. Take the chemotherapy of prayer to help kill the cancer of shame. Prayer works slowly and gradually to heal us. A dosage of twenty minutes, twice a day, should be enough.

4) Recall Bible Quotes on Shame

The word, “shame,” is mentioned 136 times in the Bible. Find one or two verses that touch you and give you strength to face your shame. Then memorize them and recall them whenever you feel shame. Here is one I particularly like:

“The Lord God is my help, therefore I am not disgraced; I have set my face like flint, knowing that I shall not be put to shame” (Isaiah 50:7).

5) Attend Daily Mass

If shame or disgrace currently troubles you, attending daily Mass is like going to the clinic of the top specialist for a particular ailment. Dr. Jesus specializes in healing shame. One of his best remedies is his real presence found in the form of consecrated bread and wine in the Eucharist. As we receive the body and blood of Christ, shame is transformed into grace. Jesus gave his body and blood so that we might be forgiven. Nothing takes away our shame more than to know, to really know, we are forgiven.

6) Be Humble

Finally, be humble about yourself. You are not perfect. Only God is perfect. You are not a bad person because of the sins of your past. Once you have received God’s forgiveness, accept that you are truly forgiven. Accept that each moment is a new beginning.

Some people believe their past sins are too great for God to forgive. This is often happens with women who have had abortions and later wake up to the reality of what they have done. They receive the sacrament of reconciliation but still believe they are not forgiven. This is a form of false pride, which is the belief that my sin is greater than God’s capacity to forgive. Of course, no one is greater than God. And there is no sin God cannot forgive. Admit your sins to God and be humble enough to accept God’s mercy and forgiveness. God wants you to be forgiven and free of shame.

These are six ways to turn shame into grace. Do they really work? Yes, they really do! Try them starting today. And when, after a moment of feeling shame, you experience God’s Grace, you will know you’re on the road to recovery.



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