God was Sneaky When He Invented Kids

I’m starting to think God was on to something when he came up with this whole kid-raisin’ scheme.  I mean, I imagine he could have made it so that we popped out of enormous eggs fully grown or matured inside a  pod growing on some oversize vine.  But he didn’t.  He decided people would start out as babies: helpless, fragile, tyrannical little things.  And that parents would start out as…well…helpless, fragile, tyrannical things, too.  And together, in that mystical way that only God is clever enough to orchestrate, those two helpless, fragile, tyrannical things can work together to bring one another closer to eternal happiness.  Pretty wild, right?

Lately I’ve been forcing myself to marvel at this fact (you know, to keep my mind off the muddy paw prints in the carpet and that place where someone broke a pen and forgot to tell me about it) and , whadya know, was able to come up with a handy list of 5 frustrating things my kids do that apparently God wants me to be thankful for.

1) The growing inside my actual torso in a manner that is equal parts irritating and completely out of my control.

So here’s where it starts.  A whole human being growing inside of me, kicking me in the bladder first then in the lungs eventually.  The heartburn, the waiting, the doubling of the rear end for no good reason, the exhaustion, the waiting, the cankles.  The waiting.  Have I mentioned the waiting?  Yeah, the waiting really sucks.

And I’m all “can’t you just have them pop out of huge egg pods or something?” and God’s all “but then would you have to truly live the fact that you’re not really in control of anything in this life?”  Touche.

Hey God, thanks for knowing I can do something that is so ridiculously hard, that if I knew how ridiculously hard it would be I never would have done it to begin with, and then I would miss out on all the incredibly good that can only follow the ridiculously hard.

2) The waking up in the middle of the night for no reason.

So you get them out of your torso and you’re all excited that you can finally sleep without a second butt jamming itself against your ribs.  And then it starts.  The crying.  The fussing.  The general wide-awakeness with no obvious solution.  And even though you want to just sleep, you can’t.  You have to get up and, like, do stuff.  In the middle of the night!  It’s just so unfair!

Hey God, thanks for showing me that my needs don’t always have to come first.  Even when I really, really, really, with every fiber of my being, want them to

3) The refusing to do what they’re supposed to do.

This one might be my favorite.  So, you tell your son to put his cars away in the bin.  Easy, right?  He dumped them out, he knows where they belong, and he’s capable of doing it.  What could possibly be go wrong?  And then it starts.  The wailing!  The gnashing of teeth!  The negotiations!  The stomping!  It is, honestly, a more ridiculous display than you could have imagined.  What the heck?  It’s silly and foolish and a waste of energy and….

Ooooooooh, well when I have to clean up the messes I’ve made or take care of the stuff that’s MY responsibility and I throw a little grown-up temper tantrum, it’s not nearly as bad because…..um…well because….

Yeah, okay.  Sorry about that, God.  Thank you for showing me how silly I sound when I throw a fit and refuse to do the things that I know I’m supposed to do.

4) The being hungry several times a day, every single dang day

We feed them.  Then they’re full.  And then, THEN, they’re hungry all over again!  So inconvenient.  But we keep feeding them.  Because they need it.

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Dwija Borobia lives with her husband and their five kids in rural southwest Michigan in a fixer-upper they bought sight-unseen off the internet. Between homeschooling and corralling chickens, she pretends her time on the internet doesn’t count because she uses the computer standing up. You can read more on her blog house unseen. life unscripted.

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  • #5 and #4 together today.  Fighting over a piece of toast because someone didn’t want to share his last piece.  Finally an agreement was made to share that piece while I made another one.  What happened to that extra piece?  No one ate it.  It was not even touched.  Arrrghh. 
     God gave ME children because I used to consider myself a patient person.  Ha!

  • Oh, FOOD!  Glorious FOOD!  Yes.  And that’s why God invented frozen chicken nuggets.  (Not that I would ever give my darling gift from on high something so unhealthy as a chicken nugget. Not me.)

  • AC

    A really super extra great one this time, Dweej – thank you!

  • Love.

  • Only couscous and organic kale for us, Rhonda!

  • Actually, we do kale AND chicken nuggets.  Boo-yah!

    This morning I added kale (and stevia… so granola of me) to my morning smoothie (can you hear the crunch?).  It was DIVINE (smoothie, not the kale per se). The kid got some, too.

  • Becky D.

    Love it and NEEDED IT today. Thank you, Dweej!

  • Amanda S

    This article is so good it MUST be divinely inspired! And I am so over the bedtime drama right now. I feel like I am at #2 lately and there isn’t even a newborn in sight (althogh two people have asked me in the last couple days if I am expecting again which is starting to freak me out a little).

  • Yea, He is, He is…(sigh)

  • MightyMighty1

    I was just thinking about the whole “why not use eggs that hatch?” thing the other day! I decided that since humans can’t even be trusted to stick to their own eggs in their own bodies with their own husband’s sperm, God forbid it get any easier to outsource our procreating! Can you imagine how little bonding would go on for your average busy mom who “really wants to incubate” her own egg, “but can just never find the time.” Pregnancy forces us to bond with our babies, even though we’re too busy worrying about our needlessly doubled butts. 🙂 I’m praying for a safe delivery for you. I just had a home birth and it was awesome!

  • MightyMighty1

    Just think about the possible incubation industry that would arise! Yick!

  • Micaela

    Oh the eating.  And the not sleeping.  And the not obeying.  Today, of all days, was a great day to read this.  Thank you.

  • Ugh! #3 is my enemy right now!! Maybe kids are part of our punishment for sin? Just kidding! But, sometimes I do think God has a dark sense of humor. 

  • Pingback: Seven Quick Takes, 5/4/12: Run, Write, Drink Kale Smoothies | A Naptime Novelist()