Train up a child in the way he should go:By Jenni Parker
and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6
What is a parent or youth worker to do? Between the media blitz of irresponsible sexual messages, the push for sex education in schools from the elementary grades up, changes in public attitudes and public policy about what is acceptable behavior, and misinformation about the factors that influence teenagers' decisions, many Christian adults are feeling confused about how to protect children from the dangers of premarital sex — maybe as confused as the children themselves.
Meanwhile, so-called experts are saying that abstinence education won't work, and statistics suggest that youth are becoming sexually active earlier and earlier. But one expert is bringing an encouraging word to parents, pastors, teachers and others who work with young people: that Christians have the biblical message their children need to hear and the power to make it heard.
“Most parents believe that peer influence is greater than their voice, and that's not true. Study after study shows that parents have the power. They need to exercise it,” says Dr. La Verne Tolbert, an author, educator and parent with more than 25 years experience in the field of abstinence education and teenage pregnancy prevention. “Things will turn around when parents stand up and realize they have a voice,” she says.
Tolbert is the author of Keeping Your Kids Sexually Pure: A How-to Guide for Parents, Pastors, Youth Workers, and Teachers (Zondervan, 2002). She believes that the combination of parents and the church can be an effective influence in helping teenagers make scriptural choices about sex. “If we look at Old Testament principles, we see that the responsibility is in the home and, of course, the church community supports the home,” she says.
Tolbert believes that laying down an absolute standard — sexual purity until marriage — is not only good for children, but also makes them feel safe and loved. In her book, she shares her own experiences as a parent who told her daughter she was either “going down the aisle as a virgin or going down the aisle in a coffin.” The humorous exaggeration made a point that her daughter received clearly — sexual purity was non-negotiable.
But it is not Tolbert's faith and personal convictions alone that influence her belief in the absolute necessity of bringing scriptural morality to bear in educating young people about this crucial aspect of human life. As a former board member of Planned Parenthood, Inc., Tolbert at one time found herself working for the world's largest abortion mill, an organization active on multiple levels in efforts to legalize and promote the killing of unborn babies.
Although she was a Christian, Tolbert admits she was uninformed when she was offered the position. She says issues such as abortion were rarely discussed openly in the church in those days, if at all. So it was her experience with Planned Parenthood that actually educated her to the horrors of the abortion industry and the insidious methods that the organization used to make it common and acceptable to the public.
“When I understood what abortion was and realized how it was performed, I had nightmares. I knew God was going to hold me responsible. But I decided to stay on the board because I was the only voice saying no and voting against some of the policies and practices,” Tolbert says.
She remained with Planned Parenthood for a number of years, trying to use her position to make a difference. Most of all, the educator says she wanted to get into the schools where she could teach children proactively about sex so teenage girls would not end up on an abortionists' table. Tolbert's book deals in detail with what she learned from and about Planned Parenthood, exposing many of the deceits and malicious motivations behind the agency's agenda. Hers is an insider's perspective on why that agenda is failing to prevent the painful, damaging, and sometimes deadly consequences of teenage sexual activity.
“Children don't know consequences. They don't believe that HIV will cut their lives short.
“Fifty percent of those who have the AIDS virus contract it in their teens or early twenties,” Tolbert says. Her book also discusses these and other alarming statistics, along with all the physical, emotional, and spiritual damage that young people risk when they become sexually active before marriage.
During her time with Planned Parenthood, Tolbert received training to go into schools and make sex-ed presentations to young people. She presented the facts according to the model she was taught to use, in a talk titled “Love Carefully” that included discussion of contraception — with visual aids. That turned out to be a frustrating experience for Tolbert.
“I taught kids to say no, but Planned Parenthood told me that to get to these children I also had to present all the contraceptive methods. Once I displayed those, students were clamoring at the table to see them, and my 'Say No' lecture was out the window. I always felt there had to be another way to tell kids how to be sexually pure,” she says.
As a result of her search for a better way, Tolbert wrote Keeping Your Kids Sexually Pure. The book is an engaging combination of personal and practical information, including stories from the author's own experience of the privileges and challenges of parenthood, from her days as a single foster parent, to being a wife and the mother of a teenage daughter. She provides Scripture based advice for parents and teachers in chapters such as “raising God fearers” and “but I'm not perfect.” There is even a helpful chart that shows how to communicate scriptural information appropriate to the child at various ages and stages of development.
Tolbert also offers personal knowledge and up-to-date research in debunking the myths and misinformation behind today's secular sex education programs, and she exposes the dangers of school-based health centers and clinics. In the book she reveals that in such school-based facilities, “minors can be examined, 'evaluated,' and prescribed medications. Clinic staff also have the right to transport students off-campus during school hours for abortions — all without parental knowledge.” She warns parents to stay informed about what goes on in their children's schools.
Moreover, Tolbert advises concerned adults to get involved: she suggests speaking up for abstinence education, voting for voucher programs, and supporting home schooling and independent schools where moral education is part of the curriculum. She also encourages parents to get their children involved in church youth groups to take advantage of “positive peer pressure” through activities. She particularly endorses pledge programs such as the popular “True Love Waits” campaign.
Where condom availability, school-based clinics, and Planned Parenthood-style sex-ed fail, abstinence education works, Tolbert says. And Christian education, providing children with a scriptural perspective about God's plan for their bodies and their lives, really works. But the most important thing the author wants people to understand is that children need to know what the adults who care for them believe. The message that God's standard and theirs is sexual purity has to be communicated clearly on an ongoing basis, and in the context of a trusting, open relationship. “The research today shows that when parents communicate their values, kids are more likely to remain abstinent,” Tolbert says.
“We're talking about parents who have earned the right to be heard by their children because they're spending time talking with them, hanging out with them and their friends, taking them on trips, involving them in family discussions. They're a part of the child's lifestyle and therefore, they have a relationship in which they can discuss anything and everything, including sexual values,” she adds.
And Tolbert says parenting isn't about being your children's friend; it's about setting boundaries and making decisions. If parents aren't proactive, peer pressure can become a dominating influence, but Tolbert says parents should even be involved in choosing their children's peers. For instance, her daughter went through seven prospective prom dates before her father approved one for her. And in another anecdote, Tolbert recounts the time her husband extended the family's protective parental boundaries around a friend of their daughter's who was spending the evening. The friend was so grateful she moved in with the Tolberts for the rest of the summer.
The author stresses that adults do have power, and they need to wield it for their children's protection.
“Either we choose their peers or they choose their peers. Sometimes that means taking our children out of their environment — taking them out of one school and putting them in another. Changing their peers to give them positive peer pressure. And it means involving them in church and in church youth activities. One of the things research shows is that kids who attend church one or more times a week are more likely to choose abstinence,” she says.
A consummate educator, La Verne Tolbert is also the founder of Teaching Like Jesus, Inc., a ministry that provides training and resources to help pastors, youth directors, religious education teachers and others in the church how to teach effectively. Among those resources is Tolbert's first book with Zondervan, Teaching Like Jesus: A Practical Guide to Christian Education in Your Church.
(Jenni Parker is associate editor of AgapePress. This article courtesy of Agape Press).
