“It is based on the simplest of the heart’s syllogisms: I like you, you like me; therefore we are friends…And while we can imagine a satisfying life without…sexual love or the sweet burdens of family, we know intuitively that without a friend the best of lives would be too lonely to bear.” –Sam Keen, Fire in the Belly, On Being a Man, p. 173
While friendship begins, as Sam Keen writes, with simply liking someone, a true friend requires much more. A true friend is someone who may be called, as St. Augustine wrote, “half of my soul.” Few of us have more than one such friend in life. The author of the Book of Sirach put it this way: “A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; those who find one find a treasure” (6:14).
What Makes a True Friend?
Some things are common in all true friendships. Reciprocity must always exist. Someone once said that friendship is like a bank account: you cannot continue to draw on it without making deposits. Friends should be close to equal in power but need not always be equal in character. If one is weaker in moral character then that one must, if the two are to remain friends, gradually adapt the habits of moral behavior of the stronger one. If this does not happen, the stronger in character will eventually have to compromise values or place restraints on the friendship.
Friends are around when you need them and you are around when they need you. In this way, a friend is someone you allow to impose on you, to interrupt you and even to invade your privacy.
A true friend is one who loves and accepts you as you are. With such a friend you can drop your guard, reveal your contradictions along with your demons and know that your friend is not keeping score. A true friend is one with whom there is no part of your life that needs to be hidden or unquestioned. This attribute is most rare of all, for as Sirach tells us, “Let your acquaintances be many, but one in a thousand your confidant” (6:6).
What Makes False Friendship?
Here’s how Sirach describes false friendship:
“One sort of friend is a friend when it suits him, but he will not be with you in time of distress. Another is a friend who becomes an enemy, and tells of the quarrel of your shame…when things go well, he is your other self, and lords it over your servants; but if you are brought low, he turns against you and avoids meeting you ” (8-12).
False friendship is founded on four basic desires:
1. The desire is for carnal pleasure.
2. The desire for material gain.
3. The desire to garner power.
4. The desire to gain prestige.
Friendships that are held together by the satisfaction of these desires are false because once the desire is no longer satisfied, the basis for the friendship is no longer secure. False friendships are based on self-seeking goals to acquire things and not on reciprocal love for one another.
The Greatest Form of Friendship
The greatest form of friendship is based on a mutual relationship with God. An example of this is found between God and Moses in the Book of Exodus:
“The Lord used to speak to Moses face to face, as one man speaks to another. Moses said to the Lord, ‘You are my intimate friend,’ and also, ‘You have found favor with me.’ Now, if I have found favor with you, do let me know your ways so that, in knowing you, I may continue to find favor with you” (33: 11, 12-13).
True friendship starts with faithfulness in God, with a desire to know God’s ways, and then it moves to human faithfulness. Yet, while God is always faithful, even a true friend can, at times, betray our trust. Thus, we constantly work to renew our faith in friends.
As Christians, we find the fullness of friendship in God as we find a friend in Christ. But how was Jesus a friend? Jesus is the model for friendship. He had many special friends like Lazarus, Martha and Mary Magdalene. He also had one friend, John the Beloved Disciple, that he loved more than others (Jn 13:23). John the Beloved is always faithful to Jesus and never abandons him, even at the Cross.
When we are friends of Jesus and we share that friendship with someone who is also a friend of Jesus, then we come at last to the greatest form of friendship. For as friends in Christ, we overcome moments of unfaithfulness in friendship as we model the teachings of Jesus, especially his teachings on forgiveness. As friends in Christ, we share a common understanding of a way of life, a way to heaven. Such friendships mediate God’s love when it is lost and redirect it back to us so we may live in a state of grace. As friends in Christ, there is a communion of hearts, minds and spirits. This is most deeply experienced when two friends pray together.
True friends work at keeping evil out of the friendship. This is difficult because evil can appear as harmless expressions at first but then grow into a toxic poison to destroy the good in a friendship. For example, virtuous conversations can turn into carnal discussions. Or, one friend might start a conversation on the holy ground of trust in God which turns into envy over what others have and thus sin against the Ninth and Tenth Commandments.
The central point here is that true friends are vigilant. They keep watch over what they say to one another. It is easy to become so obsessed with sensuality and worldly desire that friends veer from the spiritual path. With true friends, Jesus is never far from the topic. He is brought into the room, sometimes even with an empty chair set aside for him to acknowledge his importance. In a conversation between true friends, all their problems, worries, expectations and concerns might be raised, but in the end, they bring them to Jesus and ask, “What is God’s will in this?” “What would Jesus have me do here?” “What does the Church teach on this matter?” “How might I respond with love instead of fear?” In asking such questions, two friends walk out of the darkness of sin into the light of grace.
As you can see, true friendship is rare indeed! But it is not impossible to find. You might try creating a true friendship with an existing friend. It does require some work, a little faith and lots of vigilance. But once you have found such a treasure you have found not only the road to heaven, but heaven here on earth.
