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Dear Catholic Exchange:
I recently found out that my husband has committed adultery again. I can't accept this anymore. My grown children see my suffering. This has happened at least five times in our 35 years of marriage. I've given all I can. I have forgiven him each time and I can't do it anymore. Can't I be allowed a divorce without feeling guilty?
Ms. Morales
Dear Ms. Morales,
Peace in Christ!
Before you consider divorce you might consider a program called Retrouvaille which is a Catholic support network designed to save hurting marriages such as you describe. Normally this program is offered through the diocese so you would need to contact the bishop in your area to check on availability.
There is also a step that you can take short of divorce such as legally separating from your husband. Regarding getting a legal separation for adultery, Church law states that, “although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concern for the good of the family, not refuse pardon to an adulterous partner and not break up conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse has not expressly or tacitly condoned the misdeed of the other spouse, the former does have the right to sever conjugal living, unless he or she consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or likewise committed adultery”(Code of Canon Law 1152). In other words, the Church teaches that separation of spouses is permissible for grave reasons and adultery is considered a grave reason in many circumstances. Catholics are permitted to obtain a civil divorce as well without committing sin if it remains the only possible way of “ensuring legal rights, the care of children, or the protection of inheritance”(Catechism of the Catholic Church no 283-285). It would be very wise, in any event, to seek out the advice of your pastor in this matter.
Please remember though that even civil divorce does not free you or your husband to remarry. This is because your marriage in the eyes of God survives as long as both you and your husband do, regardless of what the state law may allow.
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