When Steppenwolf’s Born to be Wild comes on the radio as you’re driving a minivan with three car seats and enough Graham crackers to sustain a family of four for a month, it’s time for some deep reflection.
Clark Kent over Superman
When I was young, I sowed a few wild oats. Now I just eat them to make sure I get enough roughage.
I once put a live lobster in a high school toilet as a prank but no serious injuries occurred — although the plumbers were kind of surprised. And there was the time I rode my bike — ten speed not Harley — to school without permission but that didn't make me Easy Rider. Some kids liked Superman. I preferred Clark Kent. He was mild-mannered.
As I've grown older, my mildness has mellowed. Now, if I am feeling particularly rambunctious, I may opt for a medium-hot chicken wing instead of the mild. Or, perhaps, have a second cup of coffee at work but that has never caused co-workers to shout “rock on, party dude!”
I'm comfortable being mild. I'm even proud of it. I'd consider becoming an activist for the cause of mildness if I didn't think it would be a little too wild to do so. My wife is comfortable with my mild side, too. She sings The Troggs best-known hit to me: “Mild thing…I think I love you.”
Advice for the Wild Ones
Unfortunately, some people never get in touch with their mild side. For example, 40-year-old women who dress like Britney Spears and middle-age men who insist on reliving their glory days by painting their bodies for football games.
The world could use a few more mild souls. People who don't walk on the grass. People who never exceed their 12 allotted items in the express checkout lane at the grocery store. People who think spending a Saturday night at home watching a movie is pretty exciting stuff.
For those who are still leading wild lives, I offer this advice from the great philosopher Lou Reed.
“Hey babe, take a walk on the mild side. I said hey honey, take a walk on the mild side.”
Tim Bete (pronounced “beet”) is married with three children. He has nine combined years as a dad — 63 in dog years — which makes him an expert at answering the questions, “Are we there yet?” and “Why?” To subscribe to Tim’s column or read more of his work, visit his website at www.timbete.com.
“M” As In…
Profound questions come to mind. For instance, is it possible to “Get your motor running, head out on the highway, lookin' for adventure and whatever comes your way” in a vehicle designed to seat seven and a dozen bags of groceries?
What does OSHA have to say about “smoke and lightning” and “heavy metal thunder?” Certainly these things can't be good for your eyes and ears.
Is it legal to “take the world in a love embrace, fire all of my guns at once and explode into space?” Besides the legality, what would the neighbors think?
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. “Like a true nature's child, I was born, born to be mild.”
That's “M” as in “milquetoast.” “M” as in “mawkish.” “M” as in “not wild.”
