Be It Resolved That…

Yes, it's that time of year again – time for those dreaded New Year's resolutions.

Since we all know that you're not going to keep that promise to lose weight, quit smoking or watch more public television, let's not even go there. Let's have a look instead at the resolutions some of the globe's most notorious figures should be making in 2004:

Domestic guru Martha Stewart – Never, ever, take any more stock tips from anyone, for any reason.

Italian dairy company Parmalat -Stop taking accounting advice from companies like Enron.

New Zealand – To find some new fantasy novels in which it can play background scenery again, because its awfully quiet now that Lord of the Rings is done.

Actor Ben Affleck – To never star in a movie like Gigli again. And to get married to Jennifer Lopez. Maybe.

State of Florida Residents – To learn how to use the voting machines prior to the 2004 election.

Australia – To find new jobs for the members of the national rugby team.

China – To send more people into orbit and to land a Chinese citizen on the moon, because man it was fun watching the world reel in shock over the progress of their space program.

Queen Elizabeth – Never to invite anyone for a state visit again because the US secret service trampled the rhododendrons and mashed the palace lawns.

Microsoft – To attempt to rush the release of their new version of Windows (codename: Longhorn) before 2008 by basing it on the new Linux kernel.

Actor Jennifer Lopez &#0151 To never star in a movie like Gigli again. And to get married to Ben Affleck. Maybe.

India – To work out how it was exactly that China got ahead of them in the Asian space race.

Russian Vladimir Putin – To find some way to quietly take revenge on Bush for giving him the ridiculous nickname “Pooty Poot.”

Israel – To find some way to unfold the “roadmap to peace” that doesn't involve either origami or balling it up in frustration and stuffing it back in the glove box.

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