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Dear Catholic Exchange:
I do not know where else to turn. I am a devout Catholic, a revert since 1997 and believe Catholicism to be the true Faith.
Recently, my husband has decided to go back to church and received the sacrament of reconciliation from 2 priests. He has been receiving Communion since the beginning of this year. In terms of spiritual knowledge and catechesis, he is not very mature yet.
I took him to a Fatima conference this weekend and was told that he could not receive any sacraments until his annulment from his first marriage was completed. This devastated him, because it took him a long time to humble himself and return to God. He feels that when the priest told him this, he was kicked out of the Church.
He does not understand why his marriage to me is considered adultery. He feels that it is not a sin because in his heart of hearts, he only has one wife — me. He married his first wife because she was pregnant. He has grounds for an annulment but his concern is that the Church is making it difficult for people to receive the sacraments, especially those who are struggling with their faith.
He is a “baby Catholic” and this has made him want to consider looking for another religion.
Help!
I sought counsel from 2 priests. One told me that if we live together as brother and sister until the annulment is granted, we are allowed to accept the sacraments. Is this correct?
Rosie
Dear Rosie,
Peace in Christ!
My heart goes out to you and your husband in this matter. I find it very edifying that both of you are striving to do the right thing despite the obstacles. Know that the Church is indeed the Family of God — the two of you by the grace of God have found your way home. The Church desires your happiness in time and, even more, in eternity, so be consoled by the fact that the cross you are carrying now will lead to resurrection (see Rom 8:18).
Christ has raised the natural institution of marriage to the the dignity of a sacrament. When Christians marry, they partake not only of the natural good of marriage, but also of the supernatural good of marriage, as a means of sanctification for themselves, for their family, and for the world. As the Catechism notes, the Church understands Jesus's presence at the Wedding at Cana (which now is the second Luminous Mystery of the Rosary) as a confirmation of the goodness of marriage and as a proclamation that henceforth marriage will be an efficacious sign of Christ's presence (no. 1612).
And so the Church, which has been empowered by her divine Founder to carry out the work of redemption until He returns in glory, rightly claims jurisdiction when it comes to Christian marriages. And as you know, God's ways are not our ways. More specifically, Christ's teaching on marriage and divorce (e.g., “what God has joined together, let no man put asunder,” Mt 19:6) conflicts with the mindset of many people today.
In today's secular society, most people, even most Catholics, see marriage more as a civil reality than as a religious one. The couple in a majority of cases is already cohabitating and are getting married to get “a piece of paper,” not enter into a sacrament.
We all understand that civil society will not recognize a second marriage unless the first marriage has been terminated by divorce, annulment, or death. People don't get remarried until the first marriage is officially terminated, even though once the divorce papers are filed it's just a matter of time, given “no-fault” divorce.
Yet, as I mentioned above, civil law isn't the only concern, as civil law is powerless to terminate the sacramental bond of marriage. See Hahn and Suprenant's book, Catholic for a Reason: Scripture and the Mystery of the Family of God. I wrote a chapter therein entitled “The 'Real Presence' of the Marriage Bond” that goes into this subject in much more detail. You may find it here.
So, a civil divorce does not necessarily mean that a person will be free to marry in the eyes of the Church. The state is powerless to undo what God truly has joined. What further complicates the matter is that as people undergo conversions — or reconversions — to the faith, they find themselves in problematic marital situations that require some straightening out midstream. Your husband's situation is not at all unusual.
I don't know the specifics of your husband's first “marriage,” but from what you say, there are grounds for an annulment, so presumably your difficulty will only be temporary. If your husband was raised Catholic and married outside the Church, this would be a “lack of form” marriage and the easiest to rectify. Other situations require a little more scrutiny and take a little longer.
Unlike our secular society, which is at war with marriage (e.g. the push to legalize same-sex “marriage”), the Church is the champion of marriage and family life. So, when confronted with your husband's first marriage, the Church won't assume it's invalid. Instead, the Church investigates the surrounding circumstances and examines evidence proving the nullity of the marriage. In the meantime, though, the Church treats the first marriage as legitimate.
Even if the annulment procedure in your husband's case is a “slam-dunk,” it's still important and necessary to wait for the Church's official decision rather than presume it will be forthcoming.
In the meantime, the pastoral advice offered by the two priests you mention seems wise and legitimate. I don't know all the details of your situation so as to assess fully your options, but during this interim period as you await the regularization of your marriage, living as brother and sister at your current residence certainly seems to be a viable option. Others in similar situations have done this. Not only would you be able to receive the sacraments, but this mutual sacrifice, done out of love, generosity, and fidelity to the Church, will likely strengthen your marriage in the long haul. Perhaps you can even treat it as a second courtship.
My prayers are with both of you. Please let me know if we can be of further assistance to you in this delicate matter.
Sincerely in Christ,
Leon Suprenant
Catholics United for the Faith
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