(Karina Fabian is a freelance writer and homeschooling mother of four. Her nonfiction has appeared in Fit Pregnancy, Babyzone, and Montana Catholic. Her husband, Rob, and she edited Leaps of Faith: An Anthology of Catholic Science Fiction, which is a finalist for this year's EPPIE Awards. They are currently accepting submissions for a Catholic Science Fiction anthology, Infinite Space, Infinite God. You can find more details about it and Karina at her web site, www.fabianspace.com.)
By Karina L. Fabian
Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves to the Lord, for He did call for an empowerment session. Thus came all of His angels, from every point of the compass and all the ends of the Earth and every exit in New Jersey. Even Satan, who was an angel, if a fallen one, came. And God asked of Satan, “Whence comest thou?”
“Oh, from going to and fro in the earth, and walking up and down in it — looking for a few good men, actually,” Satan replied and with a tone of voice that implied that he foundeth not many. “You won’t flood them again, will ya? The place is just starting to get interesting.”
“I did establish a covenant, and by Me, I’ll stick to it,” God said, and a rainbow arched above Him as it oft did when He thought of another flood. “Besides, have you considered my servant Job? A perfect and upright man, who feareth God, commiteth burnt offerings, keepeth all the commandments and all the laws in Deuteronomy and Leviticus, too. Thou dost realize how hard that is? What perfection, what uprightness, what knack for detail —“
“What a brown-noser,” muttered Satan.
“What?!” God thundered. Storm clouds overtook the rainbow and the winds did blow and the rain did fall on the firmament, making it quite wet and slippery. All the angels ran for cover — except Ezekiel’s angel, for its ox head was in control and was too stupid to get out of the rain.
Satan, too, stood firm. “Of course, Job is good, what with all You’ve given him, who wouldn’t be? He doesn’t need to kill; everyone loves him. He doesn’t need to steal; he’s got more sheep than he can use! He doesn’t need to covet; just look at —“
“I get your point!” God interrupted. “But thou dost twist the facts, as usual. Job was good and upright and eschewed evil and spat it out before he had these things, and as he hath increased in uprightness, it hath pleased me to increase his fortune.”
“So you do reward him? Positive reinforcement — how Pavlovian. But I’ll bet, if you just give me a few days with him —“
“NO!” spake God. “Job is my servant and he hath found favor with Me. Besides, he’s a blessed good example for the others. Put not forth thine hand upon him. Doth thou understand? Thou Shalt Not Mess With Job.”
And it came to pass that Satan was sitting on a hill overlooking the Land of Uz, which was home to Job and to his seven sons and three daughters, and Job’s seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred she-asses. And it was a noisy place, and made Satan most vexed in his brooding.
“Who does God think He is, anyway?” Satan thought — and winced. “Never mind. ‘Thou Shalt Not.’ Micromanager.” So Satan, who doth not back down from a good challenge, set about devising a plan to prove his point without disobeying God’s command.
Then did Satan lay his eyes on Unshod, who too brooded on the hill. For Unshod was sure God had made him for a prophet, yet try as he might, his predictions did fail. And, lo, he did lose credibility and was made for a fool, and those who once followed him now left his temple and ridiculed him, saying there was no prophet in his ventures. And thus did he pour out his lamentations to a burning bush (which he set afire himself, to give God a little nudge.)
So Satan did disguise himself in glory and finery, till he did shine brighter than the sun (and the bush) and presented himself to Unshod, and spake: “Fear Not!”
But Unshod did fear and prostrated himself and cried for mercy.
So Satan repeated, “Fear Not. Can’t you take a simple order? Get up. I’m not God, just one of His servants.” And Satan crossed his fingers behind his back as he spake.
Now Unshod cried in joy. “I am a prophet!”
“More like a dead loss, I’d say.”
“I’m going to die?” Thus Unshod again fell unto his face.
“No, no, no. Look, let’s start over. I’m here with an important message for you to share with the people of Uz, and I’d rather tell it to your face than your… Would you sit up and listen? Good, good man. O.K. I was at this empowerment session with God, see-eth thou?, and the subject of Job came up —“
Unshod spake: “— And God in His power did call to the angels and did command, ‘Consider my servant Job, how perfect and upright. He keepeth the ways of the Lord, and so his numbers shall increase, and his flocks and all that is good, that he shall be an example for the men of the earth. And as holiness of men increases, so shall their prosperity, each according to his deeds!”
Satan smiled unto himself. “That Unshod is pretty good when he gets worked up.” For Satan was well pleased with Unshod’s message, knowing that he, Satan, spake truthfully. But Unshod did misunderstand yet feigned understanding with eager nods and well-timed “I sees.” For thus was the way of man, and Satan did oft use it for his advantage.
And the people of Uz considered Job, and his flocks and herds and children and wives. And they thought, “That Unshod has a point!” And they repented, and strove to keep the commandments and to follow all the other laws — those they could learn and remember, anyway. And the temple was full of worshipers and the air was full of greasy smoke, for holocausts were offered continually.
And there was in the City of Uz an old widow, who did look upon the proceedings with amusement and thought the people fools. Yet even so, she kept her thoughts in her own heart and tended her work, keeping herself unspotted from the world, especially those who had been in the temple too long.
And Satan did ensure that the people of Uz prospered, each according to his holiness.
And God looked on and said, “It is good. Weird, but good.” And thus did He wait to see what developed. But he said unto Satan, “Thou Shalt Not Kill To Prove Thy Point,” which vexed Satan greatly since he had planned just that.
The Land of Uz prospered, such that their neighbors, the Strin-beans did covet their flocks and their herds and their women. Then did the Strin-beans raid the lands of Robaman, who had believed as Unshod told and was sore amazed — and just plain sore — that he should lose all to the raiders.
And lo, he went to the temple for help and sought understanding, but Unshod and the temple elders shouted, “Sinner! How great your sin must be that the Strin-beans would swarm over your lands like locusts!”
And Robaman fled, for he greatly feared the fire in their eyes — and the torches in their hands.
And the old widow did look upon the proceedings, and did shake her head. Yet even so, she kept her thoughts to herself and tended her work, keeping herself unspotted from the world, especially those from the temple bearing torches.
And Satan did smile at God as if to say, “Told you so.”
But Robaman fled to Job and fell upon him begging for kindness. And once Job extracted himself and stood back up, he gave unto Robaman one thousand sheep, one hundred yoke of oxen and 50 she-asses, as well as several well-armed servants.
And God did smile at Satan as if to say, “Who told whom?”
So Satan sent a caravan to the Land of Uz. In this caravan was a woman of great beauty. And with her youthfulness and beauty did she smite the elder, Ahbenalech, and he became infatuated and wished to lie with her. And she said, “No lies. There must be total honesty between us,” but even so, he girded his loins and left his wife to join the caravan.
And then Ahbenalech’s wife, whose name was Unemportant, did rent her clothes cheap and run through the streets in her affliction crying “Why, why?”
And the people, believing that goodness meant fortune, made the logical leap that misfortune implied sin and did decide to stone her for her own good. Thus led by Unshod, they chased her through the streets and cornered her at the temple steps and made ready to throw.
And the old widow did look upon the proceedings and sigh. Yet even so, she kept her thoughts in her own heart, keeping herself unspotted from the world, especially from those with rocks.
And Satan did smile at God as if to say, “See? What’d I tell you?”
Yet Job and two of his sons pushed through the crowd and stood before the woman, blocking any clear shots and shouting, “Are ye all mad? Doth the sin not lieth with the husband? Prove this woman’s wrongdoing and we shall move apart, but spare her if she is innocent.” And the people hesitated, for none wished to harm Job, still the most wealthy — thus most holy — man in Uz.
And God did smile at Satan as if to say, “What’d I tell you?”
But Unshod stood at the top of the steps and shouted, “Hear me, people of Uz! We have heard and followed the prophesies, and I say they shall not fail us now! Fear not striking good Job. Even I say unto you, that as you have walked the straight path, so shall your aim be straight!”
So a stone was thrown and struck Unshod on the shin. And Unshod did grab his shin and hopped about and made all manner of vile curses.
And the old widow returned to her home, where she could laugh unspotted from the world.
And Satan and God turned away and did hide their smiles from each other.
And in the confusion, Job and his sons spirited away the woman Unemportant to live in their tent and share their fortune and be safe from thrown stones.
And Satan resolved to try once more and he did make for a plague to sweep the Land of Uz.
And God reminded, “Thou Shalt Not Kill To Prove Thy Point.”
“I won’t! Jeez, I know what I’m doing,” Satan grumbleth. “I’ll just make them wish they were dead.”
And the plague did sweep the outer lands like locusts and the people’s bowels were in knots and their gall spread out before them. And they moaned and cried out in their affliction.
And the people of the city came not to their aid, for they believed the afflicted must have earned this punishment for their sins. Besides, their gall did spread out before them and did smell bad!
And the old widow did look upon the proceedings and did do a slow burn. Yet even so, she kept her thoughts in her own heart and yet did go by night to aid those she could, and returning in the morning, did wash her garments to keep herself unspotted from the world.
And Satan did smile at God as if to say, “How about that?”
But Job and his family, yea, all his wives, and seven sons and three daughters, and their spouses and servants, did offer comfort and aid, until even they had been taken by the affliction. Yet even as their bowels knotted and they spread gall and felt like wormwood, yea, they did curse their fate, even unto the day they were born, yet they did not forsake their Lord God.
And God did smile at Satan as if to say “How about that?”
Lo, the plague spread to the edges of the city. There was a great cry throughout the Land of Uz. And the people gathered outside the temple to pray and determine whose sin had brought such infirmity upon the city, and they called to Unshod. Unshod, for he kneweth that at some point the prophet always gets blamed, declared a drawing of lots to find the sinner. As he broke twigs for drawing, even keeping a finger on one of the long ones, he did cry out, “Oh, God, we beseech you, look with favor on your people. Even as you spoke to Moses and his people, yea, even as you saved Noah and his sons, bring us guidance, a sign to lead your faithful to safety!”
And God muttered, “This hath gone far enough!” And He did send a sign.
The people of Uz gasped and were much amazed. For, out of the westward sky came a flock of doves, even as a cloud of angels. And the people cried out and gave glory to God.
And the doves did loose their bowels and the will of God did rain upon His people.
Then did the cries of joy turn to shrieks of disgust. And the people railed against God and against each other, each blaming the other until it did sound like Geraldo. And Unshod tried to pass the lots but slipped on some droppings —
Then did the old widow call out, “People of Uz, hearken unto me!”
The people did hearken, for she and she alone had remained unspotted. Silence fell upon the Land of Uz.
And the widow’s voice rang out: “This sign has nothing to do with goodness or sin! Pooh happeneth. Get ye over it.” And she turned her back on them and hobbled home, muttering, “And clean yourselves up.”
And the people saw their folly and were ashamed.
And God did smile at Satan, but Satan saw not.
He was wiping droppings out of his eyes.
