Two Became Three

image credit: Designtickle.com

Backing our car into the parking space of an empty parking lot was the last straw.

I’d bitten my tongue during our first months together, parking peccadilloes being easily overshadowed by the first blooms of young love. By the time we were engaged I’d graduated to the occasional lighthearted, though pointed, remark. But when our wedding day came and went without any adjustment in parking practices I decided to be brutally honest and enlighten him as to the error of his parking ways.

My husband was unmoved.

In the case of parking disputes you should know there is no middle ground. You either believe backing into a parking space to ensure a quick exit in the event of an alien invasion is necessary or you do not.

Clearly my marriage was doomed.

One might conclude I was simply being a melodramatic young bride. The solution might even seem obvious to those holier and more patient than the girl I speak of. After all, how hard could it have been to patiently endure my husband’s parking peculiarities on occasion? Harder than you know, my dear friends.

Besides, what kind of a husband would want his beloved wife to suffer so?

What kind of husband, indeed. After careful consideration, I came to the earth-shattering conclusion that my husband didn’t care about me, had never cared about me, in fact. It had all been a lie.

Once I adjusted to the shock, I embraced my new role as Scorned Wife. Every situation has a bright side, after all. No longer would I have to iron, rise early to prepare breakfast or compromise when deciding how to spend my evenings.

Yes, it seemed clear to me my husband no longer deserved my loving care. It was also obvious he could stand to learn a lesson or two. After a week or so of lonely nights and cold cereal for breakfast he’d wise up, his ridiculous parking preferences would become a thing of the past and we could return to our normal state of marital bliss.

Having long evenings to myself allowed me to catch up on my reading. I was having a fine time until John Paul the Great decided to be a killjoy:

“Offenses against the marital covenant of love are signs and symbols of the offenses of God’s people against him…God’s love is a forgiving and merciful love. Spousal love must also be forgiving and merciful.”

Operation Prove Husband Wrong: Terminated.

In choosing to deprive Dan of care and affection, I had (conveniently) forgotten that though two had become one, there were three people in this marriage. On that cool October night that saw us married, we had not only given ourselves to one another, we had sworn an oath before God to “forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to be ‘subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,’ and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love.” (CCC 1642)

I hadn’t promised to love and cherish Dan only when he deserved it, had earned it or when I felt like it. I vowed to love him in good times and in bad. In my naiveté I had assumed we would always go through the bad times together. I’ve since learned that sometimes the bad times stand between us like a wall. Though challenging and perhaps even painful, it’s during these times that it’s more crucial than ever to choose love.

We must practice supernatural, virtuous love, not withhold affection to drive home a point. Communicate honestly and charitably but remember that occasionally negotiations fail even between parties of goodwill. Husbands retreat, and wives stew. At times the best course of action is to stop talking and start loving. Deliver your disagreement to God, the Divine Physician. Not every problem is ours to solve, nor every wound ours to heal.

On those days when choosing to love your husband feels nearly impossible, set your eyes firmly on our Lord. Make breakfast, iron, smile and die to self for Him who deserves your unwavering fidelity. Eventually the storm will pass and you will again be able to do these things out of love for your dear husband.

Over time I‘ve come to see that, whether motivated by a desire to save me the headache of parking lot congestion or to protect me from hostiles, my husband’s parking motives are pure.

In truth, though, his motives matter very little. I have learned that it’s not about who is right and who is wrong. Even were his motives selfish, I would still be called to rise above my own feelings of frustration and honor God by loving this man through thick and thin.

When disagreements arise between spouses a solution is often elusive, but the exhortation to love is clear.

Cover image: Designtickle.com

Hallie Lord

By

When not corralling her six small children or flirting with her husband, Hallie Lord is a freelance writer and frequent radio guest. Her bestselling book, Style, Sex and Substance, was released in March, 2012. You can find her online at her popular blog, Moxie Wife, where she writes about marriage.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/hamilte3 Ed Hamilton

    Thanks Hallie. I needed that! :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/abigail.benjamin.50 Abigail Benjamin

    Love this Hallie!

  • mombryan

    Our mirrored parking scenario has often brought on many a comment from me towards my husband as well… I love him, and I will always be kind when mentioning it, but I know your pain. I definitely “die to self” every time he throws it in reverse… =)

  • Dave…

    Hallie, Great post on marital love and the recognition that ” two” of you took an oath of love and fidelity to one another and ” to and before, God” I totally agree that any couple, when the waters get rough (and they will) must realize that God is a party to their marriage and should be consulted regularly —–I must however take issue with the parking situation. Admitedly the incident described about an empty parking lot is a bit over the top but there are many “Safety Reasons” for backing into a spot and especially backing into your driveway or any driveway. I notice five reasons already, your children. Every year hundreds of children are killed and injured when backed over in their own driveway usually by a parent. Backing in when you first arrive allows you to see the entire driveway and notice any obstacles or children playing. IF YOU MUST BACK—BACK FIRST. Now when you depart you will have a clear field of view. You may save a life Thanks, Dave

  • Kaitlin @ More Like Mary

    We will go to our graves disagreeing on this issue!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=774489394 Michael P. Daniel

    This was hilarious! And so on point! Well done; I am now a fan!!

  • theo

    My husband and I have good fights, and then go back to loving each other. We don’t hold grudges. As the bible says, in your anger do not sin, and do not let the sun go down on your anger! And confession really helps, too.

  • Paul H

    I agree with your conclusions about marriage and love, but I’m not understanding why the parking thing was ever such a big deal. I don’t back into parking spaces myself, but I can’t see why it would be a problem if my wife decided to park that way — assuming that she was competent enough not to hit another car (or a person!) in the process. I guess we each have our things that annoy us — parking just isn’t mine.

  • Ellen

    This was so funny and true.

  • Tracy

    My husband and I have found that if we are going round in circles in an argument, to ask ourselves if the subject matter is really going to matter six months down the road? If not, we just drop the argument and make up. If it is going to matter, we re-group so we can sit down and have a sensible discussion. Also, no name calling, ever, never, ever! One can argue something but hurting the other person intentionally is Not Allowed. It’s worked for 31 years so far.

  • CDville

    I almost backed over a little one in the school parking lot. Since then I have sought ways to avoid backing (usually pulling through) and she has grown to become
    a musical missionary in graduate school.

  • chaco

    Thanks be to God for sises & bros who have heard; “Offenses against the marriage covenant are symbolic of people’s offenses toward God.” There’s no “Wife Submit” or “Husband Submit” – only a “BOTH Submit” to God’s design of merciful Love as we share our lives. The Truth has set us free but, “Oh- the Pain !” it can take to get us to this point; I remember a time being so exhasperated that I went off to sulk & cried out to God; “What’s Wrong Here !” My cry was answered with recalling Peter’s denial of Jesus. Thanks a Ton Hallie, for affirming our being touched by “Amazing Grace” that has saved us in spite of our wretched foibles.

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