1. Solved crisis in Egypt. Result will become apparent within the week.
2. Cheered his personal two-pound lobster on to a disappointing seventh place finish in the 2013 annual Edgartown Lobster Races.
3. Established first Martha’s Vineyard sanctuary for homeless shrimp.
4. Renewed pact with Satan just before eagling the seventh hole at the Vineyard Golf Club.
5. Kicked down seven-year-old’s sandcastle at the beach shouting, “You didn’t build that!”
6. Saved Valerie Jarrett from shark attack by reminding shark that he lives in Massachusetts. Shark realized he had mistaken Jarrett for a Republican, showing the shark knew very little about politics.
7. Stayed on top of world events by remaining constantly touch with Jay-Z and Beyonce at their desks in the Situation Room.
8. While biking, saw a talking white rabbit with a pocket watch and followed it down hole into a curious hall with many locked doors of all sizes.
9. Defeated soft shell crab in mixed martial arts exhibition.
10. Insincerely asked Michelle three times if she’d like to go golfing too.
Are there any others that you are aware of?
This article first appeared at White House Dossier and is used here with permission.