The Beginning of the Gospel of Barack Obama, the Son of God (According to Mark Shea)

1:1 As it is written in the AP Manual, “Behold, I send my press corps before thy face, who shall prepare thy way”. And so it came to pass that pundits went forth into all that country, preaching a vote of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. And lo, these pundits spake by the Spirit of the Age, going into all their towns and cities and declaring:

1:2 “He is not operating on the same plane as ordinary politicians . . . [he is] the agent of transformation in an age of revolution, as a figure uniquely qualified to open the door to the 21st century.” - Gary Hart

1:3 “Barack Obama is our collective representation of our purest hopes, our highest visions and our deepest knowings . . . He’s our product out of the all-knowing quantum field of intelligence.” – Eve Konstantine

1:4 “This is bigger than Kennedy . . . This is the New Testament.” “I felt this thrill going up my leg. I mean, I don’t have that too often. No, seriously. It’s a dramatic event.” – Chris Matthews

1:5 “[Obama is] creative imagination which coupled with brilliance equals wisdom . . . [He is] the man for this time.” – Toni Morrison

1:6 “Obama’s finest speeches do not excite. They do not inform. They don’t even really inspire. They elevate. . . . He is not the Word made flesh, but the triumph of word over flesh . . . Obama is, at his best, able to call us back to our highest selves.” – Ezra Klein

1:7 “Obama has the capacity to summon heroic forces from the spiritual depths of ordinary citizens and to unleash therefrom a symphonic chorus of unique creative acts whose common purpose is to tame the soul and alleviate the great challenges facing mankind.” – Gerald Campbell

1:8 “We’re here to evolve to a higher plane . . . he is an evolved leader . . . [he] has an ear for eloquence and a Tongue dipped in the Unvarnished Truth.” – Oprah Winfrey

1:9 “I would characterize the Senate race as being a race where Obama was, let’s say, blessed and highly favored. That’s not routine. There’s something else going on. I think that Obama, his election to the Senate, was divinely ordered . . . I know that that was God’s plan.” – Bill Rush

052108_lead_new.jpg1:10 Therefore did the multitudes go out to Obama in the wilderness of Iowa, Alaska, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Carolina, and Utah. And seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

1:11 Blessed are those who Believe. For they shall say, “Yes We Can!”

1:12 Blessed are those who say, “Yes We Can!”, for they shall audaciously Hope.

1:13 Blessed are those who Hope, for they shall speak of Change.

1:14 Blessed are those who speak of Change, for they shall Get Fired Up.

1:15 Blessed are those who Get Fired Up, for they shall be baptized with the Spirit of the Age.

1:16 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst during long rallies, for they shall drink the waters of Evian and I shall not lose my photo op.

1:17 Blessed are we. For we are the ones we have been waiting for. We are the Change that we seek.

1:18 Blessed are you, when men shall question you, and ask specifics, and seek all manner of policy detail for clarity’s sake. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad: for so persecuted they the vague-minded which were before you. They shall drag you before TV cameras and microphones, and ask all manner of questions about specifics and you shall give testimony to me before the kings of the earth. But he that remains vague until the end shall receive a great reward in the Administration that is come.

1:19 And behold, great multitudes from Idaho, Alabama, Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, Virginia, and Washington followed him, and more than ever believers were added to Obama, multitudes both of men and women, so that when he came by they might at least touch the hem of his garment.

1:20 And the All Knowing Quantum Field of Intelligence did extraordinary miracles by the hands of Obama, so that handkerchiefs were carried away from his body to the worshippers, and spirits of cynicism came out of them and they were found dressed and in their left minds.

1:21 Many who heard him were astonished, saying, “Where did this man get all this? What is this wisdom given to him?”

1:22 And they were amazed at him. For he went throughout the land, preaching new wine for new wineskins and the multitudes came to him in prayer and supplication.

1:23 Therefore did his disciples proclaim: “If any one thirst, let him come to Obama and drink. He who believes in Obama, as the scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.’” He is the Chosen One consubstantial with the Father and the Paraclete.

1:24 For Obama is our peace, who has made the two Americas one, and has broken down the dividing wall of hostility. Now, speaking in vague generalities, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Obama, from whom the one big organism, joined and knit together by every joint with which it is supplied, when each part is working properly, makes bodily growth and upbuilds itself in love of him.

1:25 And behold, there appeared a great wonder in the heavens, a woman clothed in stylish raiment, with Jimmy Choo heels under her feet and necklace of 12 beads around her neck, interceding for the faithful.

1:26 And there appeared another wonder in heaven: Behold! A great dragon in a pantsuit. And her tail drew the third part of the superdelegates, and did cast them into four star restaurants to schmooze them.

1:27 And there was war in heaven: Blessed Michelle fought against the dragon; that old serpent, called Rodham, and Clinton, which deceiveth the whole electorate.

1:28 There were signs in the Sun and moon, and Blessed Michelle appeared unto millions on televisions, iPods, and streaming computers warning that the consummation of all things was at hand and saying “He that is whole needeth not the physician, but he that is sick. Thy broken hearts are restless till they rest in Obama.”

1:29 And behold the Good News spread and multiplied, so that the monks of Clooney came to him and declared, “Master! I will follow you wherever you go!” and a sister of the Halle Name went before him, making straight his path, lest at any time Obama dash his foot against a paper cup.

1:30 And on the third day, he rose in the polls.

1:31 And the dragon was exceeding wroth, and went to make war on the remnant of uncommitted delegates. But though she struck at his heel, he crushed her head.

1:32 For lo, all that was written by the pundits must be fulfilled, for it was necessary that Obama go from race to race and glory to glory, for he is with us always! He is the Alpha and the Omega of American History, who was and who is and who is to come. For the Metaphysical Force is with him.

1:33 Amen! Marana tha! Come, Lord Obama! The Spirit of the Age and the Brights say, “Come!” Even so, come, Lord Obama! And we shall have no God but Caesar!”

Mark Shea

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Mark P. Shea is a Catholic author, blogger, and speaker.

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  • Grace Harman

    Obama hates babies and wants them killed. (That makes him closer to being anti-Christ than “Messiah”. He also wants homosexuality favored above real traditional marriage and families.
    The foundation of civilization is families and children. Wake up America!

  • http://arkanabar.blogspot.com Arkanabar Ilarsadin

    Mystics have known for centuries that the antichrist will do their best to resemble Christ. And that is the point that Mr. Shea is trying to make with this satire. Feel free to also check out the Obama Messiah blog: http://obamamessiah.blogspot.com/

  • http://www.myspace.com/nextleveltheband Andy James

    He is actually a “type” of anti-Christ, in the same way that JPII (and all faithful Christians) are a type of Christ. It sickens me to see him held up as some sort of savior, when in fact he will further lead America down a road to perdition. I actually know church-going Catholics who support him.

  • La Sandia

    It’s really interesting to see this Messianism coming from people who couldn’t bring themselves to worship the actual Messiah, and find those that do (i.e. the dreaded “Religious Right”) to be contemptible. It just shows that the need for transcendence affects all, or nearly all people. The secular Left needs saints too, hence the deification of Obama, etc. However, they will be sorely disappointed when it turns out that their hero is less than God-like…

  • MICHAEL

    Mark-I love your humor in this, but at same time it is scary as most of what you have said is from real headlines and what real people have said about St. Barak. The unfortunate truth is that he is so far to the left of even his opponenent HRC that he considers some pregnancies unwanted mistakes. He is not juts pro-choice-he is anti-life!I am not sure where this country is headed as now appears we will now have our first socialaist President ever accompanied by a veto proof Congress. Heaven help us!

  • chris_schult

    Excellent article Mark! It is very concerning how the media has portrayed Obama as a messiah or God-like

    I featured this on my blog

    Christine

    A Catholic View

  • Claire

    This is what has scared me about Obama from day one, his Messiah image that men with charisma are so prone to. It can easily go to their head and result in dire consequences.

  • wwjdholyfamily

    And I used to think the Clinton’s were awful. He is scarier than all of them put together. Real Catholic’s will not vote for him.

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  • Loretta

    Mark,
    That is some of the best biting satire I have read in a long time. It is too bad that literature does not always remain fiction.

    I recommend every one of us here reread A Modest Proposal again. For those of you that have yet to read it (it’s not that long), it actually is fiction – but reality is coming far too close. Keep in mind it was written in 1729…and then be ready to be shocked at how confused you will be between reality and fiction.

  • chestermike

    Absolutely brilliant!

  • peggybechie

    The terrible truth is that many Catholic Democrats will vote the Democratiac ticket no matter who is on the ballot or what the party platform may be just to keep the Republicans out of the Oval Office. May God have mercy on us all!

  • slbute

    Be not afraid my friends. The minute Mr. Obama got challenged he fell apart. He will lose the presidency to John McCain. The “Messiahship” is over.

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  • charly14

    According to the Book of Revelations the anti-christ is:
    the anti-christ will be a man, in his 40′s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal…the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, will destroy everything. Is it OBAMA?? I STRONGLY URGE each one of you to repost this as many times as you can! Each opportunity that you have to send it to a friend or media outlet…do it! If you think I am crazy,. I’m sorry but I refuse to take a chance on the “unknown” candidate.

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