"I can't be sick today. I have a haircut appointment at 11!"
"But Honey, if you need to cancel-" And that's when almost twenty years of intense marital training on my part paid off. He knew when to shut up, sit down and listen. And serve me.
"Can you, ugh, move the space heater closer?" As if hugging the toilet before 8 a.m. isn't bad enough, it's cold. And so's the floor. "I can't be sick today – I can't stand my hair another minute and as it is Natasha squeezed me in this emergency slot. I'll take the bucket with me if I need to."
"I can't be sick today! After my haircut I have to go to the library and pray the bookclub book has been checked back in… I only have two days left to read it. I've been driving around with that package in my car for three weeks – I have to go to the post office. Then Nugget needs her nails clipped. We're out of milk, eggs and basically anything edible outside of sugarbomb cereal and even the kids are wanting a little variety beyond that.
"I can't be sick today… it's deadline day and I haven't edited my column and it's my day to take dinner to Lynn and I still haven't made the soup or shopped for the ingredients and it would be really embarrassing to have the Chinese delivery guy show up on her doorstep on my behalf. Shoot! Did I forget to put the bag on the door hook for the Laundry Fairy? Oh wait, that's tomorrow. I must have dreamt that last night. Maybe that made me sick.
"Why can't I be sick tomorrow? Wait, I can't be sick tomorrow – I have an appointment with Dr. Ryan in the morning which I absolutely can't miss – I want this cast off my foot now! Then the refrigerator delivery guys are coming between the highly convenient hours of 1 and 6 p.m. so I can't be sitting in this bathroom while they're here.
"Maybe I can be sick Thursday. No, I can't be sick Thursday. I've got to do more laundry and pack for our weekend trip to Charleston. Plus I need to grocery shop for all six families who'll be sharing the beach house, bake cookies, make a roast and meals for the freezer. Did I tell you I bought Halloween candy already? It's in the closet under the stairs in case I'm not out of this bathroom by next Tuesday and yes, I threatened the kids with me showing up during their lunch hour if they break into it early.
"I can't be sick Friday or any day over the weekend while we're away…which leaves me with an opening to be sick next Tuesday – no, wait, that's Halloween. I can't miss our cul de sac's annual candy buffet! Maybe next Wednesday… yes, I can be sick next Wednesday. Would you bring me my calendar honey?"
