"Nothing says ‘I love you’ like good hygiene."
Seriously? Some major advertising company got paid to write this stuff? And some marketing VP for a major retail chain thought this stuff was, um, "good"? Or witty? Or just perfect for making the average American consumer rush over to MegaMarket and buy their newly redesigned store brand products?
Please help me figure out why we should buy these products based on their slogans. I mean, I’m only an American suburban housewife between the ages of 30 and 50 who statistically controls the majority of household spending. But what do I know?
The can of store brand baby formula has a stuffed deer on it. No baby. No bottle. But an orange arrow pointing up and a stuffed deer looking down. Is it hunting season? Run Faline, Run! It’s too late for Bambi’s mom but you still have a chance!
Another package simply showed a bright pink arrow pointing to a bright orange pocketbook (that’s a purse in case you’ve never hung around my grandma or friend Evie). So I gotta say if I just saw the package illustration—which is what’s prominent and screaming at me—I’d think, Oh cool. It’s one of those Insta-Designer Pocketbooks: "Simply add water and watch it grow!"
I’d be wrong. Unless you know of a way I can convert maxipads into maxipurses. On second thought, pretend I didn’t ask about that one. I’d also like to pretend I never scorched my retinas reading MegaMart’s coupons:
"disposable diapers shouldn’t make you do laundry."
"there’s no such thing as a good-hair bad day."
"clean teeth make people smile."
"moisturizing is like a vacation for your skin."
"anxiety and laundry detergent should be strangers to one another."
"sometimes happiness is as simple as a good fabric softener."
And lest this pitiful super retail giant get a complex thinking I only pick on them, lemme grab today’s big city newspaper. This is a big city who’d like to think they’re Atlanta, Chicago or L.A. Oh the long ago dreams of childhood ignorance and bliss….
This is a paper which for 4 days, promoted the big Beauty feature coming in Friday’s edition. Alert the neighbors! Get out your finest breakfast china! Here it comes: straight off the runways, the latest trends in makeup "looks". The Friday paper arrived and we’re treated to a wire story from L.A. on the latest trends in makeup "looks". The pictures were large. They had captions. They were all in black and white.
Then the much anticipated Wednesday food section arrived with the headline, "Will labor for flavor." The food editor, bless her heart, did her best to convince us the time, effort, mess and "labor" is worth making homemade foods such as whipped cream, mayonnaise, tomato sauce, chicken stock and French bread.
After all, "Tomato sauce makes your whole house smell like you love someone."