Due to the terrific response to the recent “Mommisms” column, I’ve put together some more things parents say to their children. You just never hear kid-free adults say such things, which I think further proves that pets are not like kids. How many sound familiar to you?
At Christmastime:
• Don't let the cat sit on Baby Jesus' face!
• I promise, Santa will not get stuck in the chimney!
• I think I hear a reindeer, too!
At the dinner table:
• Did you wash first? With soap?
• Please don’t spear your meat like that and eat like it’s a lollipop.
• That is not a tiny tree. Now eat your broccoli.
• Thank you for showing us all what you are eating.
• We don't dip our cars in our ice cream.
At bedtime:
• Did you brush your teeth? With toothpaste?
• Did you say “good night” to your monkey?
• Now I lay me down to sleep… I said, lie down to sleep!
In church:
• No one wants to see you scoot around like you have ants in your pants.
• They didn’t quite hear you burp in the choir loft.
• No, we can’t go get a cheeseburger now.
• Let’s not see what kind of echo we can make.
At the store:
• We all want something. I want a little peace and quiet, but I’m not getting that, am I?
• Please put your hands on your tummy; you can look all you want, but don’t touch!
• I guess good behavior isn’t on sale today, is it?
In the car:
• Please keep your tongue off the window. (OK, maybe this one.)
• Please don’t stuff french fries in the seat folds.
• No crayons up the nose, please!
In the house on a rainy day:
• There will be no more touching anybody!
• Stop breathing on him.
• Stop looking at him.
Around the house on a sunny day:
• Frogs don’t belong in hampers.
• Don’t even think of shaving the cat.
• Mud pies don’t need baking in my oven!
In an elevator:
• The red button does not make us go faster.
At the bank:
• Stop singing and dancing, it’s just a security camera.
• No, they aren’t giving out samples.
At the doctor’s office (to older child):
• Stop scaring the little kids. I don’t see why you can’t get a shot, too.
While getting the oil changed in the car:
• Yes, if the horn beeped now it would scare him.
• Where did your brother go? (Beep!)
Regarding pets:
• Cats don’t need after-dinner mints.
• Who put a t-shirt on the dog?
• Who gave the dog a haircut?!
Conversation with self:
• Why do I even bother asking?
• I don’t know.
• When did I start talking to myself and hearing answers?
• About ten minutes after the first child started walking and talking.
• Oh. Thanks.
• You’re welcome.
(Jelly Mom is written by Lisa Barker, author of Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane…Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent! and syndicated through Martin-Ola Press/Parent To Parent. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit www.jellymom.com.)
