Obama to Give Catholics a Present

The White House today announced that President Obama is planning on buying Catholics a present to make them feel better in the aftermath of a an administration decision to require Catholic institutions to provide employees with free birth control.

“It will be a beautiful gift,” said Obama in an interview with Diane Sawyer, who looked on lovingly at the president as he described searching Amazon for something “meaningful and expensive.” Said the president: “I mean, it will be at least $25 so I can get the free shipping, but probably much, much more.”

Obama refused to reveal any details about the gift itself, even declining to say which Amazon category he will ordering from. “I want it to be a surprise,” he said.

Obama acknowledged he had underestimated how much Catholics care about their religion.

“My political adviser, David Plouffe, told me his polling had shown that people stopped clinging to their bibles in 2010,” Obama said. “I mean, I thought the small people had  advanced in their thinking by now, after three years of listening to me. But I believe everybody has a right to live in the Dark Ages, and just to show I love them anyway, I’m getting them a gift.”

Obama apparently will not select the button on Amazon that would have the gift wrapped. A lucky Associated Press photographer photographed Michelle Obama Thursday shopping at Target for wrapping paper.

Meanwhile, an unusual coalition of Jewish, Muslim, Evangelical, gay and lesbian, transgender, Native American, and women’s groups vehemently condemned Obama’s plan to purchase a present of Catholics.

“Oh, so we don’t get a gift, is that it?” said the group’s spokeswoman, Arlene Quibblesworth. “Nothing for us? Can you imagine how we’re all going to feel when the Catholics are opening their gift and we’re just sitting there without anything? This is clearly establishment of religion, by the way.”

The White House signalled it was also ready to potentially relax some of the requirements of the new rule, or at least to give Catholic organizations a way to pretend they are not supporting birth control.

“We’re going to work out an arrangement with Catholics where they won’t have to compromise all of their principles – just some of them,” Obama told Sawyer.

In a conference call with reporters, a senior White House aide denied the arrangement would have any impact on the president’s determination that nothing should impede free love.

“The president is firm in his conviction that people must be allowed to have all the sex they want at the lowest cost possible,” he said. “This is an important Constitutional principle that was established in the 1960s by The Beatles. It supersedes nebulous concepts like the free exercise of religion, especially after a couple of drinks.”

The official, who declined to be named but who claimed to be supine while on the phone, added that the issue wasn’t just about the rights of women, but the rights of men as well.

“How can we tell all these studs who want to sleep with dozens of women that they should have to risk knocking one of them up?” he said.

A spokesman for the Vatican described White House efforts to placate Catholics as unsatisfactory.

“While we of course are looking forward to our gift, we continue to believe Catholic institutions should not be forced to pay for birth control,” he said.

Keith Koffler

By

Award winning journalist Keith Koffler has 16 years of experience covering Washington. As a reporter for CongressDaily, National Journal magazine, and Roll Call, Keith wrote primarily from the White House, covering three presidents and learning as few have the intricacies of the West Wing and the behavior and motivations of its occupants. While mainly stationed at the White House, he also extensively covered Congress and Washington’s lobbyists. Keith has also written for a variety of other publications, including Politico, The Daily Caller, and The London Observer. He currently writes regular opinion columns for Politico. He blogs at whitehousedossier.com.

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  • Jeffrey Arrowood

    A truly well written satirical piece is hard to find these days. This one cut right through the issue and actually made me laugh outloud in a couple places! Johnathan Swift would be proud!

  • MsMesuggah

    You just about had my eyes popping out of my head with this article there for a minute !  ;) It is sad that it has come down to Obama’s foolish folly(s) vs Catholic/Christian reason. Freedom of religion is sacred ! To profane this vital part of the Bill of Rights is akin to taking out the First Commandment of Mosaic law. It is perilously analogous to Obama trying to “remove” God from the Catholic/Christian Americans conscious and replace himself as the “Creator” of the Declaration of Independence in the USA whom ALL must obey ! 

    Proverbs 1:7
    “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and
    instruction.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Laura-Heidrich-Sumrall/1186813696 Laura Heidrich Sumrall

    As Catholics we have been so indoctrinated to obey, we sometimes forget to vett who we are obeying. Keep the great info coming. Our job is to get the word out it is time to be pro-active when it comes to our government. Ask anyone who grew up in eastern Europe in the early 20th Century!

  • Mary Stevanus

    Another part of this equation not mentioned in this article is this.  Many Insurance companies are for-profit and will not be giving out these benefits for their insured that affects their bottom line without making some changes.  To compensate for the “gift”, they will simply raise rates to cover them.  Anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of economics will be able to see through this ruse, and will understand that every American who has insurance will be paying for contraception and abortion  services in their insurance rate, whether or not they find it morally repugnant.

  • Annagrasso

    Obama said. “I mean, I thought the small people had advanced in their thinking by now, after three years of listening to me. But I believe everybody has a right to live in the Dark Ages,”  
    It seems to m e that   Mr Obama has himself confused with the DIVINITY. 
    I, a being a member of  “small people”   should listen to him and not to the commandments of GOD?  Boy, is he in bad shape!!!  Who does he really think he is??? 
    The belief in GOD, which is the belief in:  in truth, in goodness, in justice, in love, in peace, in prosperity, in friendship, in honesty, in fidelity, in respect, and I could go on forever, Mr. Obama thinks that this is living in the DARK AGES???  What is his problem?  Would someone please educate him on the meaning of all the qualities I mentioned above? and then, MAYBE, he might grasp the meaning of living in the dark, which is precisely where HE LIVES!!!
    HOW VERY, VERY SAD,  The president of the united states, BEING SO TREMENDOUSLY   IGNORANT,  and  ARROGANT!!
    Anna Grasso,  A VERY SMALL PERSON!!!

  • Mpmb123

    The “right” to all the sex they want at the lowest cost possible”  — that is exactly the thing that Obama says trumps conscience,  religious freedom, the Constitution etc! I love the way you put it!:-) Great article!

  • Emillsbulldogs

    You DO understand this article is satirical, yes???  Mr. Obama never actually said those things.  His actions make it clear that is what he intends to say.. but this is all written tongue in cheek.

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