Don’t even think about it! Don’t look at them. Don’t discuss it. And for the love of all that is holy do not buy them for me! I don’t care if it IS Mother’s Day and you, my most adorable children, think I’m the greatest and coolest and hottest Mom in the entire galaxy. Don’t do it.
But, you can do this. Tell me who decides what Moms want for Mother’s Day? Because next to me I have a stack of retail ads and advice articles written by “experts” telling me what, even though I didn’t know it, want for Mother’s Day.
“Whether you’re shopping for a seasoned mom or a mom-to-be, the whimsical Maternity Mug is the perfect commemoration of her unforgettable nine months.”
This is wrong in so many ways I barely know where to start. First of all, the mug kinda looks like a white faceless Mr. Potato Head with a handle. Although…the bottom of the handles kinda resembles a pair of hands reaching back and pressing into a painful lower back currently supporting an uber-pregnant belly…but no. Don’t even go there. That thing is disgusting! And besides, can we clear this up once and for all? A pregnancy is 40 weeks. That’s longer than 9 months. Do the math people!
Thank you Walmart, but no matter how far you “rollback” the price, I don’t want a new vacuum cleaner, steam mop, set of pots or any other gift that screams, HOUSE WORK!
And Walmart? Love how you put the 4-pound cheesecake on page 3 and WiiFit Plus on page 4. Very cute.
Ahhh, then there’s Belk where Bulova watches are 25% off! Now Mom can constantly check her wrist to make sure she’s not late chauffeuring another offspring to soccer, piano, school, and shopping for anything and everything but something for her. Yippee. How convenient.
Of course Belk and every other department store have all their perfumes “with bonus gift!” advertised. Um Burberry? If my family spends $78 on your new Sport For Women perfume, I better get something besides your red rubber “Burberry” bracelet as a bonus. Really? A red RUBBER bracelet?
Please, someone tell me where the ad or expert advice is for an Imposter Mom. Remember her? The one who shows up at high school orientation and pretends to be you because you’re not possibly old enough to have a child in high school? The one who actually enjoys ironing? Where’s the ad for her? Because this is the one day I actually want her around.
I’ll eat the cheesecake and she can burn it off on the Wii for me.