Mattress Tags

The first thing I do when I stuff a new pillow into a case is rip off the “Do not remove under penalty of law” tag.  Go ahead; threaten me with penalties, sleepless nights or continuous thunderstorms the first three weeks of summer break.  I’m not sleeping with that prickly tag in my ear.

The mattress tag is another story.  Never, EVER pull off that thing.  Unlike pillows, mattress sets come with ten, fifteen or twenty year warranties. They also cost more than what I paid for my first car yet may not last as long.

After yet another sleep interrupted night and sore back morning, my husband begged me to find the warranty information for our deluxe pillow top mattress set.   Miraculously I located the receipt and paperwork for a purchase less than two years ago.

I called the company (160 miles away) and with a promising attitude was told I’d be sent the necessary paperwork to complete and return. Four weeks later the paperwork arrived. 

In small print on the bottom of page 23 it said, “If tag has been removed and no longer available, this warranty is null and void.”  The tag itself said, “Unlawful to remove this tag except by consumer.”  If I’m not the consumer, who is?

I copied the copious amount of required information off both the mattress and boxspring tags — place of origin, construction date, certificate codes, the inspector’s dog’s name.  After stripping sheets and blankets off the mattress, dust ruffle off the box springs and box springs half way out of the bed frame, I hung upside down over the edge of a chair to access and read off microscopic numbers and Batman codes to daughter who, with the one crayon the dog hadn’t eaten this week, scribbled them down on pantyhose packaging she found in my bathroom trashcan.

Other instructions had us, “Place a string on one end of the bed and stretch tightly across to the other end over the indentation in the mattress.  Take a ruler and measure the depth at the deepest part of the indentation from the string down.”

Weeks later we learned we had “normal wear” and no warranty coverage; but we could ship the king set to the factory in case a prorated warranty applied.

I called UPS.  It exceeded their normal size limit.  I’d have to use freights services.  For the cost of 32 new mattress sets.

Mr. Mattress admonished me, “If you’d read all your warranty information, you’d know the buyer is responsible for all transportation costs.”

If I’d read all the information, I’d have never bought this set… on which my husband, after learning the cost of the “warranty”, is sleeping just fine.

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