List Posts Are the Laziest

I am 35 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Which is to say that this baby has been occupying my uterus for seven thousand months, 6 days (it’s like figuring out dog years, only much more complicated and subject to hormonal fluctuations).  Which is also to say that this baby will be parked here for another 40 years, despite the chirpy assurances to the contrary by “science” and “doctors”.  Which is also also to say that I am fit only for a list post, which I know means I’m lazy and a hack and blah blah blah.  I promise I will refund your money in full.

    • Comparing your fetus to food items is a practical way to make an intangible tangible.  Until the creators of said list spiral off into the absurdly specific (heirloom tomato?  english hothouse cucumber?).  Then it’s just silly.
    • Every time I make a sudden movement, it triggers an extremely painful contraction.  So I’ve alternated between laying on the couch, suffering through the indignity of repeated viewings of “He-Man” while the boys run around the family room, pointing swords at each other, declaring they “have the POWER!” and slumping in front of the computer, reading all of Lenore Skenazy’s past Tweets while becoming more and more convinced the entire world is insane.
    • The almost two year old did something alarming to one of the toilets which resulted in massive flooding of the bathroom, landing, and basement stairs.  The water may or may not have contained human fecal matter.  Said two year old may or may not have been caught delightedly splashing in the aforementioned water.
    • Those of you who read Friday’s post will be relieved to know that The Girl finally finished her math assignment.  Five days after it was assigned.  Currently, she’s back in her room, working on hour six of today’s 20 problem assignment.  I would be more upset about the situation, if getting upset didn’t trigger contractions.  And there’s no way I’m going into labor until she’s done with math- she’ll just use the birth of a new sibling as an excuse to draw out her assignment even longer.
    • Yesterday was cold and rainy.  The pack of wild savages that have sprung from my body made up a new inside game.  It was called “remove all the drawers from the coffee table and see how many human bodies can fit into the cavity at once”.  Last time I could bring myself to look, there were four tiny people scrunched up in there.  They were wearing nothing  but underwear and winter boots, declaring that they had “the POWER”.
    • As I’m sitting here, trying to figure out how to end this post, I can hear that the boys have (mercifully) switched off “He-Man” and are now watching an episode of “Yo Gabba Gabba” (not quite sure there’s been an improvement).  All I can hear is DJ Lance mocking my third trimester irritability by harping about how awesome it is to be happy.  And to add insult to injury, he follows it up with this chipper little number:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JwE08N-heY]

Some of us are 549 million years pregnant and can’t stand up, dance, or run.  So bite me, DJ Lance and The Salteens.

p.s.  I just forced Josh, Catholic Exchange’s preternaturally patient IT guy, to spend almost an hour of his life explaining to me how to embed the above video.  Thank God it was a Yo Gabba Gabba clip, and not something undignified, like He-Man.  I’ve got a reputation to maintain, after all.

Cari Donaldson

By

Cari Donaldson is the author of the upcoming book Pope Awesome and Other Stories . She stepped through the looking glass when she married her high school sweetheart in a Presbyterian ceremony back in 1999. Since then, she and her husband have found themselves the parents of six children, and on the corporate gypsy trail, with transfers moving them from the Midwest to the deep South to New England. The most startling developments however, have been the conversion to Catholicism in 2006, and the discovery that blogging provides an excellent creative outlet. You can find Cari on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/clan.donaldson and Twitter at @CariDonaldson and here on Catholic Exchange.

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  • JoAnna Wahlund

    I am dying with laughter. DYING.

    (My kids love He-Man too!)

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com/ Cari Donaldson

    Do yours “dress up” for viewings, too?  And by “dressing up” I actually mean “wear nothing but underwear, snowboots, and swords strapped to their backs by skillfully tied sashes”?  Please tell me that’s normal, right?

  • JoAnna Wahlund

    Yes, and often my son wields a lightsaber and makes my toddler be BattleCat.

  • Francine

    Crap. If list posts are the laziest, and my blog is easily 50% comprised of list posts, what does that say about me? I’d rather not think about the honest answer.

    I feel your pain about the toilet issues- we recently had some, no thanks to the 18 month old resident of our house.

    I hope for your sake that you’re not pregnant forever! Or at the very least, you birth this baby before you start collecting Social Security.

  • http://www.thislearnedlife.blogspot.com/ Mrs Swanson06

    Get out of my head. There’s already a baby inside me doing the exact same things to me as they are you and darn it, isn’t that enough? Get out! LOL

    And if lists are lazy then I have to be one of your laziest commenters on your blog. Ever. 

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com/ Cari Donaldson

    Francine,
    You can say that your blog is ironically lazy.  Your use of list posts is a post-modern exploration of intellectual decline, and thus, even harder to write than “real” posts.
    That’s right- former English major here- I can BS my way through anything!

  • http://www.thislearnedlife.blogspot.com/ Mrs Swanson06

    For the record, my two year old also merrily caused the toilet to overflow into the house. He also merrily owned up to it. To the best of our knowledge there was nothing in it, but we washed to be sure.

  • Sarah Mae Lindsley

    Cari, I took wolverine and puss in boots to walmart today….. 

    my whole life is just lists…. 
    lol I love you and you are almost done being pregnant with this baby!!! 

    lol then you can have twins in two more years. :) 

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com/ Cari Donaldson

    I love the combination of Wolverine and Puss in Boots!

  • http://twitter.com/HouseUnseen Dwija Borobia

     HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/HouseUnseen Dwija Borobia

    Cari, I laughed so hard at your p.s. that I almost woke the sleeping toddlers.  Shame on you!

    Oh man, I do love this so much…

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com/ Cari Donaldson

    He was so patient and kind.  However, the 50th time that I emailed him insisting that I couldn’t resize the video, and that the video was, in fact, a Yo Gabba Gabba clip, he stopped returning my emails.

  • Cathmom2five

    HATE Yo Gabba Gabba. Is that a sin? The only reason I allowed it to play is to hear Angel Boy in his adorable voice say “Yooooooo, Gabba Gabba!” The things we do for a little cuteness. The toilet overflow description was priceless. Boys are so much fun. 

  • Harold Fickett

    I think it’s time we all start praying for Cari and the safe delivery of her baby.  Not because of anything here, but just, hey, 35 weeks!  God be with the Donaldsons this morning and throughout this last period of waiting and watching and holy expecting.  With special prayers for Cari and her newborn-to-be.  

  • Colleen

    How do you watch He-Man?  My boys would be all over that show!  Gosh Cari, the end of pregnancy is so so so tough, and each time I reach that point I start envisioning chopping a certain thing off a certain someone.  So at least you’re handling it better than I :)

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com/ Cari Donaldson

    I’ve been begging Ken to just take a kitchen knife and gut me.  He refuses, which I think is unfair.

    If you have Netflix, you can watch all the He-Man your boys’ little hearts could desire.

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com/ Cari Donaldson

    I think the hate for the YGG is more a reaction to DJ Lance’s obsessive happiness.  And his rad moves.  It’s unfair that any nerdy, orange-clad, kids’ show host should be such a good dancer.

  • Carolyn McKinney

    I totally remember those days. Almost all of my kids were AT LEAST a week late—torture! And some toddler was always getting into trouble at the very moment I couldn’t possibly think of exerting enough energy to get up off the couch. Hang in there!

  • JoAnna

    You can also buy seasons on DVD for $5 at Wal-Mart.

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