L.A. Confidential

So I was reading the Wall Street Journal this morning and, hey! What's so funny? No really, I was! Though most were lost during childbirth, I'm left with enough brain cells to fill out a field trip permission form and read a newspaper with the caliber of the Wall Street Journal. Besides, it was the "Personal Journal."

You know, the section my husband hands me when he figures I won't be hogging the Business Section. It covers topics more oriented toward a BSM (Bus Stop Mommy) like me on a DDB (Daily Domestic Basis)…stuff like: scoring sold out concert tickets; shopping for a flat panel television; couples blending work and romance (my husband circled that one in red) and my favorite, new findings in the research of Antidepressants and Pregnancy.

While the article on work and romance intrigued me, the back page of the entire section made my heart skip a beat. The Style section. And not just any Style section. This was the Perfectly Timed Gift from God Style Section with the headline, "Culture Shock: Moves Between the Coasts Lead to Wardrobe Woes."

In a few days, my daughter and I embark on the 2007 Mother Daughter World Tour: "2 Weeks in LA." She'll take acting classes; I'll meet with writing colleagues, and in-between, we'll hit every Must See in the region. I was, after booking the plane tickets, rental car and hotel, finally excited about this trip, when Melanie appeared in my office doorway and asked, "Um, Mom? Can we, like, go shopping before our trip to Los Angeles? I want to, you know, Buh Lend as soon as I step off the plane."

I looked at my beautiful girl with her well fitting jeans, midriff covering shirt, flip flops, naturally colored hair and completely unpierced, untattooed body. And panicked. How does one "Buh Lend" in LA? And I mean Buh Lend without looking like the latest teen celebrity caught on secret camera finishing her fourth stay in rehab. And what about my ongoing struggle to not scar my daughter for life by the way I dress?

Fortunately, the article included tips for East Coast Women (like me) who want to avoid fashion faux pas (I think that means Buh Lend) on the West Coast (as in, LA). Among them:

1. "Absolutely no pantyhose." Are these still manufactured?

2. "Sheaths and wrap dresses are perfect any time, anywhere." What's a sheath?

3. "Jeans with high heels are fine, but no flares. It's skinny jeans or no jeans at all." But my skinny jeans make me look fat.

4. "No stiletto heels. It looks like you're trying too hard to be chic." What if I'm already chic? Can I wear my stilettos?

5. "A good pedicure is essential." Tell that to my husband who left "Spa Treatments" out of this year's budget.

6. "Dressy, open toed shoes are appropriate year round." Well that explains the Pedicure Rule.

Oh, where is LA Fashion Maven and Mommy, Melissa Rivers, when I need her??

If not detained by the Fashion Police, Karen will answer e-mails sent to karen@karenrinehart.net.

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  • Guest

    Karen, give up on the sheath.  If you have any hips at all, if you have any derriere, if you ever thought about being pregnant (much less had one or more)……nope.  You know the yellow paint on a number-2 pencil?  That's a sheath.  Good luck.

  • Guest

    Dear Cooky–

    I can only assume this is the first and only column of mine you've read. Otherwise you'd have NOT made such a bitter comment.

    I almost died after my second child was born and have lived w/ the grief of not being able to have any more since then.

    Thanks for writing.

    Karen Rinehart