My house is decidedly a "deconstruction zone" where each child and pet tries to outdo the other in wrecking the place. "Mom, I slid on the floor and accidentally put my knee through the wall."
My dinners are done when at least three smoke detectors go off and my sheets haven't been washed in so long they don't need to be ironed.
If you show me a list of things to do, I'll show you how to make a paper airplane.
I don't sit around the house all day eating bon-bons and watching the soaps. I'm not a soccer mom. I haven't joined the PTO. I don't even homeschool my kids!
Here's the real scoop on what this homemaker does all day.
My eldest son (age ten) and I went for a drive. Whenever I get this child alone with me I am sure to learn every intimate detail of the happenings at school and in the neighborhood.
"Hey, Mom," he said. "Did you know that if you drink soda and then hold your breath and pinch your nose that it will come out the other end?"
I'd never heard such a thing, but my son exclaimed that it was true. Do you see where I am going with this? A more mature woman would have either ignored this tidbit of information or asked her child to stop the potty talk. Not me.
As soon as my kids were gone to school for the day and the little one was happily busy with his toys in another room, I tested the soda story.
And wouldn't you know it the results had the same effect on my three-year-old as does the crinkle of a candy wrapper — he was at my side in no time. And he informed me that somebody had just tooted. Bright boy.
"Don't you have something to do in the other room, like play with your trucks or something?"
He just stood there grinning because all boys secretly take great pleasure when Mom, a GIRL, does something gross. He wanted to bond.
"Momma, I can burp my A, B, Cs!"
"That's great. Why don't you go do that with your toy dog." Off he skipped burping all the way.
I needed a moment to myself. My twentieth high school reunion looms in the not so distant future and I have been taking stock of my life as a homemaker. Just what have I achieved?
Besides bringing five loving and compassionate human beings into the world, I write this column and tell the truth about 21st century stay-at-home moms.
And it makes me proud to know that at least one person will test the soda story after reading this.