His Heart Breaks for Me

Twelve years ago I sat on a couch, 19 short years of philosophizing and semantics and knowing everything under my belt. She asked us to close our eyes, to open our hearts and to listen. Then I heard the story of a Man who sat down to eat dinner with His very closest friends. His traveling companions. They trusted one another in their darkest moments, lifted each other up in times of uncertainty. They traveled a rough road together, constantly being challenged and reviled for preaching their message of love and servitude. Yet through it all they remained steadfast in their mission, became stronger in their journey.

He sat with His dear friends to share a meal, like they must have done so many times before, but this time…this time it was different. His heart was breaking. His heart was breaking that night because He knew that one of His beloved friends, with whom He shared His very life, would betray Him.  That friend would deny everything they had gone through together.  Would sacrifice their friendship, His love, and ultimately His life…for nothing. For a few measly pieces of silver, something that had almost no value at all.

And oh my friends, how I wailed that night, my body wracked with remorse and regret.  Deep, heaving sobs of contrition.  Because I, me, there in the flesh…I was Judas.  How many times had I betrayed Him?  How many times had I denied Him and sent Him to the cross?  So adamantly had I hardened my heart, just as Judas must have done.  I was no better.

And when she asked what I was thinking, the best I could choke out was a feeble “Please…forgive him!  Please…”.  It was just a mistake.  He wasn’t thinking straight.  Give him another chance!  Because he’s so sorry.  I’m so sorry.  I wanted to reach through time and take Judas in my arms because…he couldn’t take it back.  He had to watch his Lord, his best friend, be killed.  He died a slow, painful death, all for his selfishness.  For my selfishness.  And the pain of my pride being crushed under the weight of His love that night was almost too much to bear.  Because He ate that dinner and wore that crown and gave up His life in front of that hateful crowd because of the sins of an imperfect person.  He did it because of me.

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Dwija Borobia lives with her husband and their four (soon-to-be-five!) kids in rural southwest Michigan in a fixer-upper they bought sight-unseen off the internet. Between homeschooling and corralling chickens, she pretends her time on the internet doesn’t count because she uses the computer standing up. You can read more on her blog house unseen. life unscripted.

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Dwija Borobia lives with her husband and their five kids in rural southwest Michigan in a fixer-upper they bought sight-unseen off the internet. Between homeschooling and corralling chickens, she pretends her time on the internet doesn’t count because she uses the computer standing up. You can read more on her blog house unseen. life unscripted.

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  • http://www.thislearnedlife.blogspot.com/ Mrs Swanson06

    And me.

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com/ Cari Donaldson

    You’re not Judas.  You’re the woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears and dried them with her hair.  She was forgiven much, because she loved much.

    Judas’ tears were of dispair, not of repentance.

  • http://twitter.com/HouseUnseen Dwija Borobia

    I hope I can learn to be like her someday.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Megan-Karcher-Jeffery/700537010 Megan Karcher Jeffery

    This is every Christian. This is me. Perfectly written, Dweej. Thank you. Sharing everywhere.

  • Colleen

    Beautiful post Dwija.  God bless your loving, repentant and grateful heart!

  • Deacon Tom Fox

    There are beautiful words in our wonderful Catholic Faith… Words such as ‘Take this, this is My Body,’ and ‘… by the power vested in me,  I absolve you of your sins….’ These are words that still bring tears to my eyes. Oh, and the words from that recent praise song, ‘I can only imagine…’  

  • http://werelivingafulllife.blogspot.com/ jen

    One of the most humbling things i have ever done in my life….in total silence in a candle lit church…was to wash the feet of a fellow parishioner. It made me weep. And I might add  I got a bit weepy reading this post Dweeg.  Abundant blessings to you and yours this Easter my friend.

  • Sheila Laurence

    Beautiful post.  Every year during the reading of the passion, I have to force myself to say the words ‘crucify him’, because I know my own sins have said it, and I need to acknowledge it.  But I hate saying the words.  Thank you, Jesus, for loving me!

  • Leila M. Lawler

    Have you ever heard the Bach’s St. Matthew Passion? If you haven’t, try to find it and listen… at the point when the apostles say, “Is it I, Lord?” Bach captures in music everything you say here, and I know you will love it. There is Judas in all of us. Thank you for your post!

  • http://twitter.com/HouseUnseen Dwija Borobia

     Thank you, Leila!  I will look for it right now.  Sounds wonderful.

  • monica

    Amen.

  • Elizabeth

    awesome.

    Liz
    water rolls uphill

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