HAPPY HAPPY HALLOWEEN VII

It’s that time of the year again, time for the B-Movie Catechism to present it’s annual suggestions for cheap and easy to make costumes based on some of the movies we’ve discussed over the past twelve months, either here or at Aleteia. We do this every year as a service to those Christians who don’t particularly like the selection of serial killers & naughty panthers to be found at the local costume shop, but who also don’t want to resort to dressing up as angels or shepherds AGAIN just to go trunk or treating in the church parking lot.

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First up is Frankenstein Island, Jerry Warren’s last foray into the fever dream world of low budget film making. Choosing just a single character from Frankenstein Island is tough. Should it be the insane one-eyed pirate? Or maybe the bikini clad amazon? How about the strange Phillipino guy with a syringe and an eyeball fetish? No, for pure low budget goodness it’s probably best to go with the zombie holding a magic plastic pitchfork that turns people into vampires. All you need to put together this ensemble is an old black sweater, a ratty wool cap, and a prop from the dollar store. Then you can explain to everyone who asks what the heck it is you’re supposed to dressed as how your costume represents the seemingly random stuff we’re confronted with in life and how God has an answer to it all if you’re willing to listen.

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If you’d prefer something a bit more recognizable, however, then perhaps Kris Kringle himself from Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny would be more to your liking. Any dirty old Santa suit will do, even a homemade one, just as long as you remember the most important detail, the horrifying sweat stain puddling up in the crotch area. If the people whose homes you trick or treat at don’t immediately slam the door shut in your face, you’ll be able to explain to them that your costume is a not-so-gentle reminder that during the upcoming Advent season, it’s really not Santa they should be waiting for anyway.

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As nice as that idea is, though, perhaps you’d rather stick with something a bit more Halloweeny, and what says Halloween more than witches? Now the great thing about the witches (or casters, as they prefer to be called) from Beautiful Creatures is that they all look and dress just like any other teenager pouting around the mall on a Saturday afternoon, so if you already shop there, your costume is 99% done. If not, chances are you can probably find some cheap Forever 21 stuff down at the consignment shop. The only other thing you’ll need to make this costume a success is an atrocious Hollywood-style Southern accent, the kind that would put Foghorn Leghorn to shame, on account o’ y’all knows thass how all us Southerners talk. As your neighbors rush to burn you alive (either for being a witch or for hamming up your dialog so horribly), you can use your new dialect to explain how no one should rush to judge another. Even the Pope says so.

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One costume His Holiness might be a bit iffy on, however, is the shotgun wielding nun from Freejack. It’s not just the big double barreled boomstick the good sister is carrying that the Pontiff might find questionable, but the constant stream of profanities that apparently come with it. Who did the writers of this movie think the nun was anyway, a seminarian arguing eschatology in his dorm room late at night? Nuns shouldn’t talk that way. But still, she made some good points in between all the cussing. And if you decide to wear this traditional get-up with a twist, so can you, using your words (and possibly your weapon) to convince others that there’s more to people than just their memories. They all have immortal souls as well.

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Speaking of heady thoughts, what could possibly be more contemplative than a Terrence Malick film? If you’re looking for a costume with a more artistic bent to it, why not dress up as one of the characters from Malick’s To The Wonder? This is another outfit where most of it is already hanging in your closet. Just pick out your favorite casual wear and you’re almost ready to go. You’ll only need two accessories. One is a big picture of a tree, so that whenever anyone looks at you, you can quickly hold it up in front of your face so no one can see you for more than a minute at a time, just like Malick films his actors. The second accessory is some kind of voice recorder which will be used if someone begins to question your sanity over of the tree thing. If that happens, just hit play and have your prerecorded message tell them in voiceover that everything’s alright because the “love that loves us” is watching over us and will make everything okay. To make it even more Malick-y, be sure to twirl around wistfully while your message plays.

And that should do it for our costume ideas this year. Have a fun time trick or treating and don’t forget All Saints the next day. Happy Happy Halloween everyone.

David

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