He was immediately hooted and hectored. Pansy Nelosi, the swaggering alcoholic and beer advocate, made a beeline for the floor of the House. “This is a gross canard cut out of whole cloth,” she thundered. “Ninety-eight percent of alcoholics drink beer!”
Nelosi then called a meeting with other Democrats to hear the tearful story of Sucha Flake, a law student who moonlighted as a bartendress at a pickup bar on M street. Although Flake was thirty years old, she was still in school, and she spoke poignantly of the plight of her fellow student inebriates.
“I attend an Alcoholics Anonymous law school that does not provide beer coverage in its student health plan. Just as we students have faced financial, emotional, and medical burdens as a result, employees at sober hospitals and universities across the country have suffered similar burdens. We are all grateful for the new ObamaBeer regulation that will meet the critical health care needs of so many women and our partners. For me, this is deeply personal. I have one friend who can’t go to sleep at night without consuming a six-pack. Since a good night’s sleep is a prerequisite for getting to class on time in the morning, for getting good grades, and for getting that all-important government job after we graduate, I think it’s time that the Obama administration remove the stigma of furtive students paying big bucks for false ID’s, as well as the painful decision many of us students must face every night – forced to choose between having a decent meal or going out for a few beers.”
“When I look around my campus,” Flake continued between dainty dabs at her tearful cheeks with a tissue thoughtfully supplied by the taxpayer, “I see the faces of the women affected, and I have heard more and more of their stories. On a daily basis, I hear from yet another woman from AA Law or other schools or who works for a sober employer who has suffered financial, emotional, and medical burdens because of this lack of beer coverage. And so, I am here to share their voices and I thank you for allowing them to be heard, even though they could not appear today because they’re all drunk.”
“Without ObamaBeer,” she went on, “an active beer life can cost a woman over $3,000 during law school. For a lot of students who, like me, are on public interest scholarships, that’s practically an entire summer’s salary. Forty percent of female students at AA Law report struggling financially as a result of this policy. One woman told us of how embarrassed and powerless she felt when she was standing at the bar, learning for the first time that beer wasn’t free. The poor dear had to walk away sober because she couldn’t afford it.” After a pause to collect her emotions, Flake continued. “Women like her have no choice but to go without beer,” she fairly sobbed. “Just last week, a married female student told me she had to stop drinking beer because she couldn’t afford it any longer. Her partner, naturally, was outraged, and nearly assaulted her. ‘Bring me beer,’ he shouted, ‘or else!’”
“There are similar stories, dear Congresspeople, across the breadth and depth of this land, and in every corner of your congressional districts. Imagine! Women employed in low wage jobs without beer coverage face the same hard choice. Ladies and gentlemen, you have no idea how many millions of women have to go to bed stone cold sober every night because there is no ObamaBeer!”
The Democrats were unnaturally silent. Finally, Pansy Nelosi rose quietly, walked over to Flake, and gently bestowed a kiss upon her brow. “I promise you, Sucha, that I will not allow a bunch of cranky old white men who are on the wagon will not be allowed to force their ‘Twelve Steps’ on you and your fellow students,” she cooed. “There’s no way that we will allow Alcoholics Anonymous to cause a new era of Prohibition to cast its dark shadow upon our land.” A burst of applause swept through the room.