I don't know about you, but I'm beginning to question the existence of Santa Claus.
Don't get me wrong — the jolly old elf himself was really good to my son this year. And I strongly believe that this holiday should be for children and not for adults, so it's not like I asked for that Jaguar I've been lusting after and then didn't get it. (Although…) It's just it seems to me that a truly benevolent being could be a bit more helpful — you know, to make it easier for us adults who are trying to organize the rest of the festivities. However, I'm an open-minded person and I've decided to write my own Christmas wish list for next year, to see whether Santa comes through.
Dear Santa,
These are the things we (and probably every other parent) could use:
A good pair of tweezers — To remove Christmas tree needles from delicate areas after you've sat on them. In spite of our best efforts at containment, they get everywhere, and I just know I'll still be finding them in August.
A translator — To retranslate the bad translation of the assembly instructions that came with the toys. For example, I have no idea what "The edition of us whom it is already on market were painted again in the new method, hi-skill and a point of view" means.
A snow shovel — To handle all the Lego bricks, loose screws from toy construction gone wrong (see badly translated instructions), stuffed animals, stray socks and candy wrappers.
Bandages — To patch up yourself and all your relatives after your three-year-old son or daughter has been playing with the new toy tool set.
Earplugs — For those who aren't actively playing video games or with Dolly-Talks-Too-Much.
Instant Master's Degree — for parents who need to do "some assembly" on a toy that the kids are frantically keen to play with now.
Coffee — Hey, we leave out things like milk, cookies, port, and Christmas cake for Santa. Would it hurt the guy to leave a steaming cup of coffee by the bed so we had half a chance of being alert when junior comes tearing in at 3 AM?
Vacuum cleaner — To vacuum the dog who got showered with Christmas tree needles while searching for that package of rawhide.
A toy box — Because needle containment isn't the only issue at Christmas time.
Surge protectors — To protect all the electronic gadgets when Uncle Herman blows up the microwave attempting to cook Christmas dinner.
On-call veterinarian — To perform emergency surgery on the cat that ate all the tinsel.
Special thumb bandages — To patch up blisters raised by seven consecutive hours of video games.
Special thumb bandages II — To patch up blisters raised on everyone clever enough to avoid the malls and do all their shopping online.
Car repair — To fix all the dents and dings acquired by those still foolish enough to attempt shopping in person, at the mall, on December 24.
Rodent rescue device — To extract the poor gerbil/ hamster/ guinea pig from the remote control car before it has to endure another ramp jump off the dining room table.
Get out of jail free card — To get your son or daughter out of custody after they've flown their new remote control plane too close to a sensitive area.
Mouth to magnetic strip resuscitation — To bring your credit card back to life after the holidays.
