It's the one and only day of the week I develop the sudden, strong urge to scrub the grout lines on my kitchen floor. With a toothbrush. And a toddler clamoring on my back yelling, "Giddy up!"
It's the day I wake up before the alarm, brew extra strong coffee, exhale and announce to the dogs, "Today would be the perfect day to organize 8 years worth of family photos. Whataya think guys?" Of course the dogs would dance and nod and spin in circles in agreement. Actually, it's there daily "Feed Us!" dance but I can interpret it any way I want to. Why? Because it's Deadline Day.
For a columnist, Deadline Day is somewhat akin, in the civilian world, to oh, let's see, stepping on the scale at the doctor's office hoping you've lost those last five pounds in the last five days even though you had five weeks to make it happen.
It's the day I look around my house and for the first time in months, contemplate how dust accumulates in the upper corners of each room. What does it stick to to form those stringy things that sway to and fro when the heat kicks on? I mean, dust on the ceiling fan blades I can understand which ew, will you look at them? Where is my ceiling fan duster? I absolutely have to clean those blades today.
It'll be the first sunny day after a week of rain. And I'm supposed to sit at my desk indoors? The roses will get fungus, the weeds are choking the perennials and the dogs need to run around chasing tennis balls which means someone has to throw the ball, which leaves me and if they don't get outside soon they'll continue to try and catch cats through the closed windows. Hank's already put bite marks in three room's worth of window blinds. Which makes me want to brush his teeth. Right, brush the dog's teeth, scrape the tartar and then give him a bath.
I have the urge to sew. I've yet to learn how to use the monogramming function on my new sewing machine and I have a pile of mending on the kitchen table preventing us from eating there. For the last three months. I have to find my sewing machine instruction manual so I can have monogrammed towels in my guest bathroom. This is very important to me today. Only because it is deadline day.
And if I'm sewing it means I have to pull out the ironing board. But first I have to put the pad and cover back on. I washed them on last week's deadline day. Did I clean the iron? No…so I better clean the iron and look! A pile of cloth napkins and pillow cases waiting to be ironed. Today is the day every columnist should have crisp cloth napkins in her kitchen drawers.
She should also have a column e-mailed to her editor by 5p.m. but….