For Aleteia this past weekend, I watched the latest film version of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s required reading, The Great Gatsby. You know, it’s always interesting watching a movie based on a novel, if for no other reason than to see how a director meets the challenges of bringing certain passages to the screen. And it’s not a problem just for A-listers like Baz Luhrmann, B-movie directors have a hard time of it as well. What’s that you say, you didn’t know bad movies also occasionally started out as books? It’s true, and to prove it, here’s a handful of celluloid hack jobs that once started out as hardbacks.

Carnosaur

Oh yes, believe it or not, the screenplay for Roger Corman’s quicky cash-in on Jurassic Park (so quick it actually managed to come out first) was adapted from the 1984 novel Carnosaur written by John Brosnan under the pseudonym of Harry Adam Knight. Troll around the internet and you’ll be amazed to find a few fans who appreciate Brosnan’s Carnosaur more than they do Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park. However, I think it’s safe to say you’d be hard pressed to find the same for the movies.

Howling IV: The Original Nightmare

Now most people are aware that Joe Dante’s classic 1981 werewolf flick The Howling was based on a book, but what only the people who actually read Gary Brandner’s 1977 novel realize is that Dante’s final screenplay bears no resemblence whatsoever to the source material except for the idea of werewolves running around somewhere in California.…

It’s Mother’s Day, so there’s going to be lots of lists out there covering the best and worst moms the movies have to offer. For the more mainstream choices, Steven D. Greydanus’ top ten moms over at Catholic Digest is as good a place as any to start. But given the kinds of stuff we watch around these parts, we thought there might just be a few movie moms deserving of honors who’ll probably get overlooked by those other lists, ladies like…

Diane Freeling from Poltergeist

Sure, she’s got a bad habit or two left over from the late 60s, but when all is said and done, there’s a reason Mrs. Freleng is in the foreground in this image. Amidst all the madness going on in their household, Diane is the glue that holds the Freleng clan together. She knows when to be sensitive and hold a funeral for a dead bird and she knows when to get tough and demand her husband be a man. Plus, she’s quick to jump into another dimension if that’s what her children need from her.

Maureen Robinson from Lost In Space

The simple fact that she patiently managed to keep everyone from murdering Dr. Smith for all those years should be enough to qualify Mrs. Robinson for sainthood, but throw in the fact that she was also a biochemist, expert gardener, and expert tracker (How many times did those freakin’ kids run off, anyway?), and there’s no doubt that Maureen was the real deal when it came to motherhood.…

Just like half the population of the world (I’m not sure that’s an exaggeration), I went to see Iron Man 3 this past week. You can find out what I thought over at Aleteia. You know, it’s hard to believe ol’ shell head and his fellow Avengers are among the biggest box office draws in the world right now, especially when you consider the quality of the first efforts to bring The Marvel Super Heroes to life back in the 1960s. Anybody remember these intros for the big four…

Yeah, so definitely not up there with the original 1960s Spider-Man theme, but then again, what is? Still, if you consider that each piece is only about 20 seconds long, you have to admit they pack a lot of information in there. Take Iron Man for instance…

Tony Stark makes you feelHe’s a cool exec with a heart of steel.

As Iron Man, all jets ablaze,He’s fighting and smiting with repulsor rays!

Amazing armor! That’s Iron Man!A blazing power! That’s Iron Man!

In twenty seconds and six lines you get the basic concept of the character. Not too shabby. It makes me wonder if there’s a way to do that for Christianity. Not the music part, mind you, we get enough bad tunes at mass as it is (oh what, like I’m the first person to ever say it). But is there a way to communicate the fundamentals of the faith in a sound byte?…

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea, welcome to another edition of the Newsreel. This week, we have a trio of stories with a surprisingly common thread. What is it? Read, and see. And with that tease, it’s off to press…

DATELINE: SRI LANKA – Scientists working in Southern Asia have apparently discovered a new species of tarantula the size of a human face. Fortunately, none of the tarantulas found in Sri Lanka have proven to have bites deadly to humans. Unfortunately, the enormous arachnids have been known to enter dwellings due to massive deforestation in the area. Consequently, the benefits of a non-fatal bite seem somewhat diminished by the potentiality of heart attacks caused by finding a Giant Spider As Big As Your Freakin’ Face sitting in your living room!

DATELINE: BOULDER – Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, scientists at The University of Colorado-Boulder have potentially solved a question once thought unanswerable (or is it just that nobody ever cared to ask), why do so many people find things like fart jokes and people getting kicked in the crotch funny? Studies have now determined that the average person only enjoys inappropriate/gross-out humor when the incongruous subject matter (an action or event violating moral or social norms) results in a benign outcome (no permanent damage to anyone). Most people, it would seem, have a crude streak, but they’re not monsters.…

So, over at Aleteia this weekend I spent some time with Michael Bay’s Pain & Gain. Ultimately there were a few things which kept me from completely liking it, but I have to give the film its due. Bay has finally made a movie with some honest to goodness real ideas in it. Weird, I know. I’m willing to bet that when you think of Michael Bay, the first thing that probably comes to mind is something more along the lines of this…

Okay, so that was… pointless… stupid… silly? Yeah, all of those. But it makes me laugh every time I watch it, and as Proverbs 17:22 points out, “a joyful heart is the health of the body.”

Plus, as Father James Martin notes in an interview with Our Sunday Visitor, with all the bad stuff going on these days, now is a pretty good time to hold onto our sense of humor and joy. “First, it’s important to have a sense of humility and poverty of spirit. Second, humor helps us get along with people. Humor is a natural social element that is an essential part of human interaction. Third, to gain some perspective. The saints used humor as a tool in their quest for humility and also as a way of gaining some perspective on their place in the universe. And finally, as Archbishop Timothy Dolan has said, ‘Happiness attracts.’ Why would anyone want to join a group of miserable people?…

While recently reading through the Catechism in one year as a part of the Year of Faith (Day 185 to be precise), I ran across a quote from St. Monica regarding the handling of her mortal remains after her approaching death. “Put this body anywhere!” she said, “Don’t trouble yourselves about it! I simply ask you to remember me at the Lord’s altar wherever you are.” The good lady said this because she understood, as the Catechism explains, that “the Eucharistic sacrifice is also offered for the faithful departed who ‘have died in Christ but are not yet wholly purified,’ so that they may be able to enter into the light and peace of Christ.” So, saint or no saint, Monica was taking the possibility of time in purgatory seriously and wanted to make she was covered in case of that outcome.

Still, I have to wonder if she would have been quite so nonchalant about her body’s resting place if she had seen some of the movies I have. Here are some of the worst places in cinema history to be buried.

1. Buffalora Cemetery from Cemetery Man (1994)

Sure, we Christians believe in a bodily resurrection, but we prefer to wait until Jesus comes back around before we get to it. At Buffalora, you’re barely in the ground before you’re back up and looking for a quick snack… of human flesh!

2. The pet cemetery from Pet Sematary (1989)

Pretty much the same situation as Buffalora, except you have the added olfactory displeasure of waking up next to a bunch of dead cats.…

It was double duty time over at Aleteia again this past weekend as I watched Oblivion, the post-apocalyptic epic starring Tom Cruise, and HBO’s Girls, a show full of stupid people doing stupid things.

It got me to thinking, wouldn’t it be great if there was a movie featuring both the apocalypse AND stupid people. Well, I guess Seth Rogen thought the same thing, because This Is The End comes out in June. But then I thought, wouldn’t it be great if there was one I could watch right now. Well, guess what, somebody already took care of that as well. Feel free to take a look, but be warned, there will be blood.

That doesn’t seem quite fair does it? Who knew a single thought could get you into so much trouble? Well, maybe Jesus did. Remember, he’s the guy who said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Thankfully he didn’t follow that up with, “And when that happens, their heads will explode!” That’s because, instead of setting up a sudden death scenario, Jesus was reminding us that God’s laws aren’t just about external compliance. They’re meant to be internalized, effecting a transformation of the inner person. And fortunately, he gives us time to work on that change instead of immediately having our heads pop whenever we have a bad thought.…

Believe it or not, my assignment this week over at Aleteia was to review the new Evil Dead movie. Hey, it’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it, right? Now what some people forget is this is not the first time Sam Raimi’s cult classic has been reimagined. But that’s understandable, I suppose, because about the only way to see the previous reboot was to take a stroll down to your local community theater…

Ah, poor Annie. Oh well, not everyone is called to be in a relationship after all. The Catechism points out that “single men and women [can] embrace the gift of celibacy while living alone, with a family or with others who are single,” and that by doing so, “they are able to devote time and energy in service of others, and may serve in their parish community or in the Church in a number of different ways.” So buck up Annie, not everybody has to have a man. In your case, I’d seriously consider the celibate lifestyle. The male population would be most grateful.

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HOW I REACT WHEN THE CHOIR BREAKS OUT THE MARACAS

Like many of you I’m sure, one of my favorite new blogs is Mary Is My Homegirl, so I know you’ll understand that when I ran across this GIF I just had to give it a try. If you haven’t already, be sure to head over to Mary Is My Homegirl where this kind of thing is done much better on a daily basis.

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Just in case anybody out there is having Walking Dead withdrawals now that season 3 is over with, here’s a sweet (no, seriously) little zombie short to tide you over.

“In children we have a great charge committed to us. Let us bestow great care upon them, and do everything that the Evil One may not rob us of them.” – St. John Chrysostom

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