Touched By Grace

How Natural Family Planning Respects Both Ends of Marriage

December 29th, 2009 by Barbara Pegis Print This Article Print This Article ·

For many devout Catholics, the use of Natural Family Planning (NFP) is an opportunity for married couples to grow in their mutual love and respect for one another, while fulfilling the promise they made on their wedding day, “to accept children willingly….”

However, debates have ensued on this topic from both ends of the spectrum.  There are those who use NFP for any number of selfish reasons, and those who believe it should never be used because it is no different from artificial contraception.  In looking at the Church’s teachings on this topic, it is clear that neither of these positions is correct, and NFP, when used correctly, allows couples to use the faculties that God gave them for the good of their marriage and families.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church states this as the couples having an “authentic freedom” to make these choices.

NFP has been referred to as “Catholic birth control” by those who do not understand what it really is.  A simple explanation of it is that married couples become familiar enough with the woman’s cycle to know at what times of the month conception is more and less likely.  When a couple has decided that they have a serious enough reason to put off conceiving a child for a time, they take advantage of this knowledge, and refrain from the marital act when conception is likely.  The Catholic Church, in her wisdom, gives the guidance that it may be used if a couple has “well-grounded reasons” (Humanae Vitae, 16) for spacing births.  Ultimately, this is a decision to be made by the couple, having sought God’s help in prayer, and quite possibly the help of a spiritual director.  Any well-grounded reason will be a purely unselfish one.  Limiting the amount of children born in order to afford a luxury boat is probably a more selfish reason.  But perhaps the husband and father of three children has just lost his job and money is tight.  Right now may not be the best time to have another child.  In this case, the couple is using their freedom and rationality

So then, NFP is just like artificial contraception, right?  Wrong.  People make the argument that, since NFP is a way to avoid conception, it is just another form of birth control and should not be used by devout Catholics.  When a couple engages in the marital act while using artificial contraception, they are engaging in a selfish, anti-life action.  The very action itself is not an action that could result in conception.  It takes away one of two ends of the marital act, namely, procreation.  However, when a couple engages in the marital act knowing that conception is not likely, but doing nothing to actively and artificially prevent it, there is nothing that is anti-life in their action, just as there is nothing anti-life about engaging in the marital act when a married couple knows that conception is impossible due to a current pregnancy, age, illness, or sterility.

Furthermore, NFP requires the couple to practice abstinence at certain times of every month.  This in itself can only bring about good, giving an opportunity for a couple to practice chastity within their marriage.  Well, why not, one may ask, just abstain from the marital act until a more prudent time to conceive a child?  This would be an action that disregards the other end of the marital act, the unitive end.  The mutual love and complete giving of oneself to his or her spouse is part of a healthy marriage, and the Church has never taught otherwise.  NFP gives spouses the opportunity for chastity, unselfish love, and the use of their reason in cooperating with God in His plan for their family.

Barbara Pegis has her Master’s Degree in Moral Theology from Christendom College in Virginia. She is currently working as a private tutor and lives in Auburn, CA.



  • http://arkanabar.blogspot.com Arkanabar Ilarsadin

    I have long believed that the 1930 Lambeth Conference sold contraception by marrying a truth (that it is sometimes prudent and thus virtuous to control the spacing of births) with a lie (and contraception may be a moral means to this end).

  • Joe DeVet

    As a teacher of NFP since 1981, I can assert that the points made in this article are very true and pastorally sound.

    There are perhaps more eloquent ways of expressing these principles, depending on the audience. And there is an insight by John Paul the Great which should also be acknowledged: contraception attacks BOTH the unitive and procreative meanings of intercourse. This truth is alluded to in this article, but more forcefully stated in “Familiaris Consortio”, sections 28-35.

  • elkabrikir

    Given: all humans must grow in wisdom and grace throughout their lives for we are sinners.

    Given: concupiscence taints any decision a human makes. Therefore, it is nearly impossible to practice NFP for purely unselfish reasons, and NFP, when used to space pregnancies should be used with grave consideration and deep prayer. The onus is on the couple to prove why they SHOULD abstain not on why they should embrace.

    While the use of NFP is not intrinsically evil, (I teach it) it can allow couples to become complacent in their selfishness. Conversely, God’s gift of the desire to embrace and image the union of God, many times ovecomes less serious reasons to abstain from marital love.

    Children are the supreme gift of marriage. That truth should be paramount in any discussion involving whether to avoid a woman’s potential fertile times. Regarding financial decisions, most folks who use NFP are NOT deciding between a “luxury boat” and a child. The “worries of life” including food, childcare, simple vacations, an orderly house, and college tuition is what most people weigh when deciding to have another child.

    In my opinion, couples need to be encouraged to trust God in financial matters. We must be good stewards of our resources and use prudence in budgeting, however, a gift of having more children is that finances actually IMPROVE. God does provide.

    Here is how He works.
    1.)You live by a budget because impulse spending is no longer an option. Women and children develop self control.
    2.) Men step up to the plate and work outside their comfort zones. Many of my friends who have large families (8+ kids) have said that the large family has helped their husbands become “men”.
    3.) You become satisfied with less material goods and more spiritual goods.
    4.) (other people can continue this list.)

    Rarely should short-term financial concerns, even a job loss, be the reason for postponing the opportunity to receive the gift of a child. Money matters are of the world, children belong to eternity.

    The first nine of my 11 children (12 pregnancies) were conceived during very difficult financial times. My husband was a student during one pregnancy. During another he was jobless. I never worked outside the home, and, as his income dropped, our family grew. God always provided, while I cried at night that the manna wouldn’t be on the ground with the morning dew.

    God has convicted me repeatedly for my sins against faith and hope. While NFP does have a legitimate place within a marriage (some women don’t have delayed menses while breast feeding, or don’t nurse), I believe it should almost never be used, outside of serious mental or physical illnesses, to space children for very long.

    Given: Jesus showed us that humans love to judge other people. Since NFP is al licit means to space children, couples may be taught it and given guidance on its prudent use.

    God is the Just Judge whose inscrutable gaze plumbs the depth of a couple’s motives. Each of us will be held accountable for how we used the supreme gift of marital fertility. The Trinity is fruitful and life giving. Let the graces of the Sacrament of Matrimony be your guide. Children are the most obivious sign of a fruitful marriage. Don’t let Satan pick your blossoms before they bloom and bear fruit.

  • kirbys

    Great points in both the article and Elkabrikir’s response. I do think that 4 or 6 or seven is a large family–I wonder if a stating a particular number is helpful or not. As Elkabrikir mentioned, we love to judge each other. When we had our fourth, to us, that was a large family. Having any size family with our Lord involved is a great opportunity to exercise humility; I know women who have struggled with infertility who seem far more worthy than I to have a larger family.

    I definitely concur with the financial aspect; as we have tithed and increased out tithe and had more children, there have been financial gifts and opportunities which have sometimes seemed to come out of nowhere (like the tax breaks–thanks, George W!) I must point out that both sets of our parents have been extremely generous to us, which has led almost to a feeling of obligation to increase our tithes and be more open to children, which in turn has I hope helped one relative in particular to be more open to our having more grandchildren! :)

    One more thing: I see NFP as a “gateway” to growing in obedience to the Lord as a couple. The comments I have seen on other sites (and a couple of threads over the years here) about the evils of NFP hardly help those of us who are helping couples and physicians to see that this is the ONLY viable family “planning”. One step at a time.

  • kirbys

    end of 2nd paragraph should read” more open to our having more of HER grandchildren (our oldest is 18–not ready for us to be grandparents yet! :) )

  • elkabrikir

    KIrbys, sorry if you thought I was judging how many kids constitute a “large” family. For, “large” is a relative number. My 11 children is a “small” family compared to the one from which St Catherine of Sienna came!

    I was thinking of the particular coversations that I’ve had with particular women who have at least 8 kids. We, as a group, have said that we saw our husbands change with the demands of many children to feed/clothe over decades. (In my case, I’ll have had kids at home for 40 years at least).
    Sorry for the confusion.

    Every person and family has its “capacity”. With God’s grace, our capacity can grow, a fact which may have implications for family size.

    Personally, I’ve always treated every ovulation as the potential last one of my life. That perspective impacts NFP decisions.

    And your points are good ones too. NFP is a gateway to obedience which increases faith….or is it the other way around!?

    Good discussion….where else can you openly talk about this?

  • drea916

    First point – Holy families come in all sizes.

    2nd, let’s just get Catholics to get get off the contraception, then we can haggle about the when to accept and propone children. Most Catholics contracept and just won’t hear of anything else.(Their ears are covered and they are shouting “LALALALALA I can’t hear you!” Protestants and hippies are more open to NFP.

    I have found that once a selfish couple gives it a little try and sees that the Church is right and than NFP WORKS, then a light bulb goes off and they trust that God WILL provide! However, most Catholics don’t even know what NFP is.

    The laity needs to promote NFP, couples need to spread the word, PRIESTS need to preach on it!!! I can only bug my married friends so much!

  • elkabrikir

    drea916

    This article is not about what constitutes the perfect size of a Holy Family. The purpose of this article is to introduce couples to NFP and its ability to allow the couple to fulfill their marriage vows with authentic freedom.

    The best way for lay couples to promote NFP, is to live it with joy. We must witness to the beauty and holiness of family life. I think my life’s calling is to live a married life that shows, for the world and fellow Catholics, that children are a gift: a blessing not a curse. They are a tangible sign of faith, hope, and love. With God’s grace, my husband and I are courageously striving to raise a large family to the glory of God.

    Pray that all families may be holy in imitation of the Holy Family. (size: 3 people!)

  • http://www.ruah.stblogs.comwww.nfpworks.wordpress.com fiatlux

    The participants in the conversation all have at least one or several good points (trust in God radically, # of kids doesn’t = holiness, remember those who suffer from infertility,etc.). However, having promoted NFP for a living (within the full teaching of the Church, *not* as “Catholic birth control”), I tend to side with drea916 in the sense that 80-90% of Catholics are contracepting, so discussing the virtues of discerning about postponing/ achieving/ providentialism is perhaps second (a high second) priority to basic catechesis about chastity within marriage, and getting them to understand the basic teaching of the Church. Usually the grace from even making the switch to NFP opens couples up to immense grace that they switch to their postponing to achieving *within six months*. Amazing. For a little food for thought on infertility and judging the size of families, check out http://www.nfpworksblog.com/2009/12/23/up-the-gift-of-infertility/

  • elkabrikir

    flatlux,

    I do agree with you, which is why my husband has always felt called to the Family Honor program more than the NFP teaching apostolate. He has been given the opportunity to become very involved in Family Honor as a board member. We consider this to be God’s answer to our prayers.

    Family Honor works with kids and parents to teach them about the dignity of the human person vis-a-vis God’s gift of sexuality.

    I was trying to address this article in particular. But a different article can be written about your ideas.

    Blessings to you for your work.