Recently a reader wrote me to say, “I read a story on the Internet about a Catholic couple whose new baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and anencephaly (no brain). They chose to abort it. How on earth would you deal pastorally with such a horrible situation?”
Such questions involve several parts. What does God think? What would I do? What should I make of those people over there? We feel torn between obeying God’s commands “Don’t kill” and “Don’t judge.” And in our culture, “Don’t judge” has much the louder voice because of the great terror of “imposing our values”.
Let’s start with the louder voice: “Don’t judge”. We are bound to obey that, but we are also bound to understand what it means. It does not mean, as our culture takes it to mean, “Abandon the possibility of knowing right from wrong.” It means “Don’t play God. Don’t imagine you know the souls of others and what motivated their choices, how culpable they are, etc.” (The funny thing is our culture is ready to play God all the time, while remaining unable to say if there is such a thing as right and wrong.) So let’s set aside the people in the story, whom it is not ours to judge, and simply consider the act in abstract: Is it always wrong to take innocent human life?
Yes. Always. That’s what “You shall not kill” means. That’s the other command we have to deal with here. And I think the best thing we can do with this situation is not adjudicate the souls of people we don’t know anything about concerning a choice they have already made (since that is way too much of a temptation to judge them, especially in cyberspace where judgment and condemnation flow like wine), but to first ask ourselves how we might respond rightly in a similar situation.
In talking to my wife Janet, (the actual baby carrier in this family), she points out the following:
First, ultrasounds have been wrong.
Second, miracles happen sometimes.
Third, and most salient here: every baby she has had is dying. The question is simply, when? Most of them, God willing, will die in 50 to 70 years. But they could die in five minutes.
When we put it that way, we suddenly realize: Knowing that the baby is going to die sooner rather than later is no reason to kill the baby. It is, says Janet, a reason to love the baby for as long as you can while it’s here. That’s very painful, but that is the risk we take every time we choose to love because everything we love in this world is mortal. It may be objected that an anencephalic baby cannot appreciate our love. I would reply that a healthy baby does not appreciate our love either, because a healthy baby has no more mind than a baby born without a brain. The whole point of parenthood, especially in its earliest stages, is radical self-giving (like Christ) to a being who is wholly incapable of giving anything back besides a sucking reflex. It’s an analogy of the grace of God, the great wake-up call, enfleshed, that It’s Not about Me and What I Get from It. A short course in the life of the Blessed Trinity.
In contrast, the unspoken contract, it seems to me, of much of our culture is that the baby is there for the sake of the parents and if the baby is not Perfect, then the parents have the right to break the deal. Speaking of playing God….
Finally, as a Catholic I would note that, if aborted, a baby has no access to the sacrament of Baptism. We can, of course, still entrust unbaptized babies to the mercy and love of God, but I would not be able to look God in the eye and tell him I denied my baby the sacrament because my feelings were more important than his eternal welfare.
These are all things I would say to myself if I were weighing the matter. They are also things I would say to a friend, one whom I knew well enough that he would understand I was aiming to speak the truth, not to condemn.
I would say such things because I prefer it when people level with me and don’t just affirm me in my okayness, especially during times of crisis. I would say such things because I believe them to reflect, not just the truth of my frightened and painful feelings as a parent in such a situation, but the truth of the Cosmos as well. The feelings of parents are certainly part of the equation, but they cannot be the whole.
Some people would undoubtedly say, “You don’t know what it’s like.” I disagree. True, I’ve never had an anencephalic baby. But we’ve had four sons and in every case, you wonder—all parents wonder—“What if there’s something wrong?” It is a variation on the question: “How much do we risk to love another?”
The answer of Christ to that question is the Cross–and the Empty Tomb. That’s what love costs us in this world and that’s what the choice to love gains us. And there’s no escaping that, because of the sort of creatures we are. To abort one’s baby is not to avoid the Cross. It is to choose a different and heavier one. In the meantime, it seems to me that, now that Christ has been crucified again in this terrible situation, our task is not to sit in judgment of people faced with this dreadful predicament (often without any of the resources and help the Faith provides), but to make the choice of Christ crucified to love and pray for them, in the hope that they will find grace, life and peace in Him. Because, of course, His mercy and love for them are undimmed and He still desires them to be with Him.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:45 am
One of your best, Mark! (You should have your wife as a guest in your columns more often!)
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:45 am
Wonderful article! And it brings me to a question concerning a current situation with a friend of mine. She has just been diagnosed with a tubal pregnacy and is struggling with the “do not kill” command. I honestly did not know how to advise her because the doctor’s are 100% certain the baby cannot survive and that her life is in danger, as well. I have tried to research this but I really want to simply fall back on an established teaching of the Church on this matter because I am sure a great deal of research has already been expended on this issue.
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:19 am
“Every baby … is dying.” This really gets to the heart of the matter, doesn’t it? No matter how long we have our children with us, they are a part of us — a part that God determined from the beginning to transform our lives as only love can.
Mark, your readers might like to know about an online ministry to parents whose preborn children have received a poor diagnosis: “Be Not Afraid.Net”. I have a link to this site on the Extraordinary Moms Network.
Your wisdom applies just as well to people who are considering foster-adoption. So many people choose not to invest themselves because of “how much it would hurt if they returned home.” All of our children are headed “home” — whether one year or fifty years from now. Love is a tie that does not break, even when it hurts.
God bless you!
Heidi Saxton
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:02 am
Doris, I’m more than fairly certain of the teaching regarding pregnancies that threaten the life of the mother (though not absolutely). Specifically, if the procedure(s) which save the mother have as a side effect that the baby dies, they are permissible; if their primary purpose is to kill the baby, they are not.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:38 am
Phenomenal article, as usual.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:33 am
Absolutely one of your best Mark.
AndyP/Doria2 Yonkers, NY
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:12 am
Words that describe a portion of the amazingness that is to be a daddy:
“The whole point of parenthood, especially in its earliest stages, is radical self-giving (like Christ) to a being who is wholly incapable of giving anything back besides a sucking reflex. It’s an analogy of the grace of God, the great wake-up call, enfleshed, that It’s Not about Me and What I Get from It. A short course in the life of the Blessed Trinity.”
When the Trinity enters in, it has to be good. It is triple good. Mystery or not, I love love love the Trinity!
GK
-God is good!
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Fantastic, reasoned and reasonable, graceful and grace-giving reply to a heartbreaking situation, Mark and Janet. I’m forwarding it to my older teens. I especially like your quote (below) as the bottom line what our attitude should be toward others when we are called to speak the truth in love.
“I would say such things because I prefer it when people level with me and don’t just affirm me in my okayness, especially during times of crisis.”
Thanks. Heidi Bratton
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Great article; I think this is what truth in love should look like.
One question that this situation raises for me is, are there people in my own parish who are struggling with such decisions and how do we (including myself) as a community support them in love in such a way they can bear the terrible pain of losing a child; they shouldn’t have to do this alone no matter how much it costs us to stand at the foot of their cross.
Michael
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Mark, thank you for a beautiful article. Heidi, thank you for the pointer to what appears to be a timely resource - I will pass it along to our daughter in law and son.
A few weeks ago Liz and Dominic found out that their second child (due in November) is quite ill and is “unlikely to survive to birth, and certainly not much beyond”. Liz put up her first thoughts in this blog post.
Their response has been striking in it’s simplicity, breathtaking in it’s depth, and humbling in their reliance on God. Yes they hurt, but with the help of an awesome parish / extended Catholic community we are confident that good will come of this - that hearts will be softened, faith strengthened, and the Lord glorified.
One thing that has had a big impact on them has been the support of the parish - for example, one person started a sort of rosary vigil via email (people signed up for days they would commit to say the rosary), and at last count there at least three people / families per day for July, August, and now already into September.
It’s that sort of thing which means so much to those hurting, and accomplishes so much of what is truly possible.
Bob
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Doris, You’ll find a fairly complete treatment of the question in (believe it or not) Catholicism for Dummies, Trigilio & Brighenti, Wiley publishing. The book is fascinating in its treatment of some very sticky issues in our Faith. (One sidebar reference to the Blessed Virgin is titled Mary Was Single And Pregnant.) It is a very “easy read.” The text has both the Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur; it is deemed to be free of doctrinal and moral error. See pages at 224, 5, &6 “Matters of Life and Death” where the situation is discussed clearly.
“Treating a life-threatening pathological condition that indirectly results in an unborn child dying naturally is considered a tradegy but not an abortion.”
I hope you find this helpful.
Ken
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Doris,
Another bit of information about tubal pregnancies with solid Catholic teaching can be found here at Catholics United for the Faith: http://www.cuf.org/Faithfacts/details_view.asp?ffID=57
July 25th, 2008 at 2:47 am
Thanks so much for the information! God bless all of you!