My compassion for women considering abortion has grown dramatically in the last three months. For the first time, I actually know what it feels like to be pregnant: I feel like my body has been hijacked. It's not entirely pleasant, especially during this first trimester, when most abortions occur.
Nonetheless, I'm excited about being pregnant. My husband and I are looking forward to having a family, and I'm grateful God chose me to be a mother. I also rejoice in the presence of a miraculous, beautiful new life developing inside my body. Plus, I know the experience of maternal self-sacrifice can help me grow in holiness. That knowledge is especially helpful in this early stage of motherhood which is almost pure sacrifice.
At this point, my pregnancy brings only nausea, fatigue, sleepless nights, indigestion, hunger pains, mood swings, distractions from work, looming apprehension about labor, and, truth be told, frequent trips to the bathroom, embarrassing flatulence, a disgusting aftertaste no matter what I eat or drink, and the cacophony of an uninvited burping chorus following every meal. As of yet, I can't feel this little person moving around, I'm not big enough to wear cute maternity clothes, I haven't had my 20 week ultrasound, and I don't feel any of the legendary glow and glamour of an obviously pregnant woman.
Now, I've got my list of bright spots to counteract these trials. But suppose I didn't. Suppose I didn't want to be a mom, didn't feel chosen by God, didn't understand the miracle of new life, and didn't know the value of self-giving. What if the physical suffering of pregnancy was also coupled with humiliation, guilt, social scorn, and possible rejection from parents or husband or boyfriend? It must take a lot of virtue to resist the temptation of abortion in the midst of a pregnancy that feels so miserable.
"Why doesn't she just choose adoption?" I used to wonder, in all honesty. As if pregnancy and childbirth were non-issues, a veritable dream state from which women blissfully awake nine months later. Now I suddenly realize that abortion decisions are often being made by nauseous women who are physically exhausted, not to mention pressured, isolated and afraid. These are horrible circumstances in which to make a life and death decision. No wonder there are (at least) 4100 tragic decisions made every day in the United States alone.
So what can we do to help? We can acknowledge and proclaim that pregnancy is hard work, but perhaps the most productive work anyone can ever do. A pregnant woman is providing all the raw materials to "produce" a seven pound infant from a microscopic human embryo. This stage of motherhood is a monumental undertaking worthy of honor and praise, not a disease to be endured or "cured". We can look for ways to applaud the strength, perseverance and productivity of pregnant mothers, not just mothers on the other side of the finish line.
One way of doing this is to affirm mothers whose pregnancy nurtured the life of a child, now in heaven, whom they lost to miscarriage. Pretending miscarriage somehow cancels out maternity doesn't help. And, by the way, neither does the practice of keeping pregnancy quiet until the second trimester. We're used to the pro-life slogan, "Life begins at conception." Can we make a point of reminding people that motherhood begins at conception, too?
Another way to help the cause is to reach out to newly-pregnant women. A biweekly call, a care package of saltines and Sprite with suggestions for avoiding nausea, a note of affirmation and encouragement, an experienced mom's testimony of the misery of morning sickness and the joy of motherhood, a hot dinner delivered to the door or at least a pint of pickle flavored ice cream, these simple things could go a long way in alleviating the trials of the first three months of motherhood.
January 19th, 2008 at 2:51 am
It is a very good writ up is very educative n i have learned something from it.Gina keep it up God bless you and your family.
Maryann
January 19th, 2008 at 6:30 am
Another insight along these lines:
I have been in a loving, stable marriage for all of my 11 pregnancies. Despite my supportive husband, there have been times, even during the first pregnancy, when I felt isolated and alone. I recognized that, in a particular way, I was not me but a vulnerable "mother/baby" unit. Also, I was the only one who could carry the burden of a given pregnancy. Like Gina, it occurred to me that if I, who rejoiced in my pregnancy alongside my husband, felt completely alone, how horrible the pressure of true fear and aloneness must be.
In expanding this concept, since I am mothering a newborn now, I reflect that I also have compassion on those women who cope poorly during the newborn period. It is very tough "living between the fussing" (my 15 year old son's observation of life with a newborn –stated without animosity). Like Gina, I unite my suffering to Christ's and cling fast to my faith and loving family for support. However, if I lacked either may God have mercy on me…
Gina, congratulations on your pregnancy. Enjoy every minute of your only first pregnancy. I thank God that He in His mercy has allowed you to procreate with Him. As you recognize, it is a privilege. My response to the gift has been to allow Him to use me as many times as He wills my renewed maternity. He has always provided the grace to persevere in faith with hope and joy despite the suffering.
One thing I have done , and I suggest to other pregnant women, is that during the various sufferings of pregnancy offer up your nausea, backache, fears, etc…for women contemplating abortion AT THAT MOMENT. You must still experience the suffering, like Christ, but now you embrace it.
Claire, I know your babies are praying for you. This column must bring sadness to your "mother's heart" as you mourn your babies. You are a mother for eternity and the love you have for your children transcends time and space. I'm glad you were allowed to parent them for as long as you did. I wish it was longer……..
January 19th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Elkabrikir, thank you so much for thinking of me. I think that pregnancy articles will always bring a twinge of sadness. You are so right that I am so thankful that I was able to carry them through the first trimester, although I wish I could have carried them long enough to feel them move (or better yet, to fullterm). However, despite the fact that I will mourn them till the day I die, God has replaced most of my tears with joy. We are currently in Rhode Island with our new adopted baby boy, just waiting for state clearance so we can bring him home! We got an emergency call from our adoption agency on Monday, one that completely surprised me because we weren't even 100% active with the agency yet. Jeffrey Stuart is low birthweight and was alcohol and nicotine exposed, but is the picture of health. He is the sweetest little thing, and the biggest blessing of my life. I always dreamed of having a daughter and still mourn the fact that I likely never will, but Jeffrey is my son and I wouldn't trade him for anything. I am currently using the computer at the library right now, and will check in after I get home (although I certainly won't be able to spend as much time online as I used to!). Thanks to everyone who has prayed for me for so long. I have no doubt that my twin pregnancy and this adoption would have never occurred without your prayers.
January 19th, 2008 at 10:35 am
This article is so close to my heart right now, as just two days ago I had to pull over on a very busy highway with virtually no shoulder to throw up into a Ziplock bag whilst tractor trailers and SUVs zoomed mercilessly past my pitiful little '94 Geo Metro. I happened to be on the way to the 12 week ultrasound of our 4th miracle.
Gina, I empathize with you completely. My husband and I conceived our first son two weeks after we returned from our honeymoon. He had just moved to a brand new city and was still job-searching - he had come there to be with me as I finished up college. I was beginning my 5th year of pharmacy school, and under tremendous pressure to complete my education. In addition to being in school full-time, I worked outside of school between 20 and 30 hours per week. When I first started throwing up, I didn't stop for 3 days, not even to keep down a few sips of water. My poor husband lost any and all illusions of being blissful as a newlywed, as no matter what he cooked (I couldn't even set foot in the kitchen!) it came right back out.
It's true that both of us were overjoyed at the prospect of a brand new soul living right under my heart, but I gained a completely different perspective on abortion. If my husband weren't working on sainthood at the time, he very easily could've talked me into that horrible choice. If my parents weren't steadfast Catholics, they could've put a lot of pressure on the both of us, un- and under-employed as we were, to place monetary and educational matters first.
With each pregnancy, however, the amazing grace of God has astounded us. We give Him an inch (like saying, 'I wish I didn't have to, but I know I must say yes'), and he repays us in miles and miles. We have the most gorgeous, loving children, better than I could have ever hoped for.
I do try, like elkabrikir, to embrace the suffering and unite it to that of Christ on the cross, but my efforts are so imperfect. I, too, have decided to open my womb to God as often as He should choose to fill it so that maybe by the time I'm celebrating #11 I'll be able to suffer well. I find it helpful, however, to have a specific person in mind to offer sufferings for - I am often too exhausted to put prayers into words, but can picture, for example, my sister or my husband's sister, and just say, "for her."
In any case, thank you for this article and be assured of my prayers for you as well!
January 19th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Claire! I'm so happy and excited for you and your husband! I almost mentioned in my first post that I hoped your adoption plans were going well, but I deleted any mention so as not to tread in unknown territory that might be presumptuous.
When was Jeffrey born? Maybe I was in my first trimester when he was conceived.Someday God may show us the babies we helped save with our prayers. Congratulations! Congratulations!
Stuff: I'm sorry you have the worst variety of hypermesis of pregnancy. It's horrible. I can just imagine the sight! Isn't it interesting how people will say about you having so many children, "Oh! Pregnancy was so hard for me or I would have had more. It must be so easy for you…." Sometimes I set them straight gently. Not to boast in myself but rather to point out that I'm human and that with God's grace being pregnant and parenting many children is possible and not only possible but a joy.
About "offering it up" I hope the Holy Spirit, who prays for us when we cannot, applies our prayers of active bodily suffering (like vomiting into a bag) when our minds and lips cannot. Sometimes we can just pray with "groans" while we accept God's Will. Congratulations on your new baby and on all your children.
January 19th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Thank you Gina for your honest article. I don't think people really stop and think about how hard being pregnant can be unless they've been there. Sometimes I think that's why women get so angry with priests and men in general who fight the pro-life battle. It's like they're oblivious to the struggles and sometimes torment that the woman is going through because they're focused on the baby.
Granted we desperately need everyone who does fight for the unborn but we also need people who will walk with the newly pregnant mom and help her through her hard time. Just knowing there is a baby growing inside you sometimes isn't enough.
We're expecting our fifth child in two months- at the age of 42 - with six children in heaven praying for us. When I first found out I was pregnant 18 years ago my first thought was fear. It surprised me so much but for the first time I really could understand why some girls/women choose abortions. I too was from a strong Catholic family, married five months and looking forward to filling our home with children. And yet I was not prepared for all the self-sacrificing that pregnancy would ask of me and desperately wanted a way out.
What am I saying, this is our tenth pregnancy and I still wasn't ready for the self-sacrificing that goes with being pregnant! To make matters worse, after the usual morning sickness stage that mercifully didn't last the usual nine months, I'm struggling with gestational diabetes. Thankfully this is our fifth full term baby and I've grown up enough to be able to put baby first and discipline myself to eat carefully. I can honestly say I don't know if I'd have been able to do that with any of the others. If a mother who knows the joys of having a baby and knows the truth of that wonderful gift growing inside her can still have trouble accepting the reality of it, how much more a woman who has never had a child and is suffering, alone, scared, and under outside pressures?
Sometimes I wonder if we wouldn't get further in the fight for the unborn if the mom's needs weren't addressed more like Gina said. Thank you for your contrabution, Gina!
Congratulations Claire! I'm very excited for you. God is good.
January 19th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Congratulations Claire!
I have followed your struggles with tears and prayers. I am so happy for you now as your family blossoms with a beautiful little newborn.
May God bless your family with many, many joys.
Guitarmom
January 19th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Hang in there, Gina!
January 19th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
That's absolutely wonderful news, Claire! Congratulations on your little blessing! I've been praying for you!
January 19th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Gina, I was touched by this article. It made me think of my sons' birthmothers. From time to time I think of the emotional and physical pain they endured to give the miracle of new life, in the midst of loneliness (their families and the birthfathers were not supportive or present), and then the pain they must have felt when saying good-bye.
I can't think of it without crying for them. They are courageous and virtuous women who, through the power of the Holy Spirit, have given little ole me the privelege of motherhood. The immense joy of being their Mommy is indescribable. We always remember them, esp on their birthday with a candle and prayer. One day I hope to meet or at least speak to them, so that they, too, can be proud of our incredible children. My sensitive 4 yr old, Matthew Mauricio, told me last week that he loves Mazielle and wants to meet her one day. If only she knew………..
January 20th, 2008 at 9:09 am
PattyK–the pains of pregnancy and childbirth(the physical and emotional) seem to me to pale in comparison to not being able to conceive or saying goodbye to your child after birth. I can speak only to the pregnancy/birth pains.
I praise you Lord for the struggle during pregnancy/birth, infertility/adoption. It draws us closer to You. Praise you Lord for your Mother to show us how Motherhood is a joy filled with uncertainty, loneliness and crushing pain at the loss of a child at any age.
Jesus, I Trust in You!
January 20th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Claire,
I am so happy for you! When I was young, I wanted a daughter, too. God has blessed me with two sons who I love more than life itself. Now, I can't imagine life with a girl!
Gina,
Thank you so much for sharing this. Pregnancy is hard and scary. Some women sail through pregnancy filled with glow and bliss - this was not me! In hindsight, however, it goes by very quickly. If you are interested, you can download a free copy of my book "Letters to Mary from a Young Mother" from my website at http://www.spiritualwoman.net - the link is right on the main page. It offers prayers to Mary for pregnancy and the first year of life.
Wishing you every blessing,
Patrice Fagnant-MacArthur
January 20th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Good ideas on how to help pregnant women. Im going to share my story because I think women are not being helped and like you say some are making the choice of abortion while feeling horrible.
In 1993, I was pregnant with my first child, I was poor,disable, and unmarried. When I went to the government to get help, I was told I had to go to the clinic I went to. I wanted to go to Birth Line but they told me I had to go this other clinic to get an official pregnancy test
While at this clinic, the first thing they brought up was abortion and I told them that wasn’t an option, the person who was talking to me, said" but". I adamantly refused abortion. I told that person that abortion was NOT an option I would ever consider!
Now in 2008, we have 3 children, I am married, not poor anymore, all without killing my child. Circumstances change.
There is an Act called the "Positive Alternatives Act" (H.R. 4852)! It allows states to fund programs that provide information or counseling that assists women in making decisions about parenting and adoption.Heres an excerpt from a article Iread about this bill. :
"Not only do these services help reduce the occurrence of abortion, they also help resolve social, familial and economic challenges many women face that lead to destructive lifestyles and more long-term dependency on government assistance," Bachman says.
Please contact your Representative to support this bill! You can find them here, just click on the state link(ie KS):
http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW_by_State.shtml
January 20th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I taught prenatal aerobics for years. My goals as instructor included fitness for the ladies, of course. As important, however, was the support group and networking aspect of the class. Many of the women I taught 15 years ago have maintained friendships formed in that class!
I also suggest La Leche League meetings as a good place for pregnant moms to for support.
I think it is important to have another first time mom with whom to commiserate and laugh as well. I remember my "bosom friend" Kate and I chuckling about our gas issues as we experienced our first pregnancies together. We're still friends 20 years later (by the way, today is the 20th anniversary of my first conception! what a day to note and celebrate)
Here is a poem I wrote after the birth of my 7th child. When he was a newborn, somebody asked me if I was "done". This poem was my response.
The Response
Who am I that the Almighty
Placed into nature the means to create my
Motherhood?
What honor has God bestowed upon me
To allow this broken woman
Motherhood?
Why did Love entrust a precious soul
Into my human womb and give me
Motherhood?
How can I return to Him my thankfulness
At this blessing of my
Motherhood?
I joyfully present
Upon His cradle of clouds in heaven
A swaddled, fleshy babe
Body and Soul.
The Image of God
Born of my body
Stuff of my suffering
Nursed at my breast
Held over my heart for all eternity.
I humbly present to the Creator
My child.
A gift,
Which by His mercy
Formed in secret
Out of Love
And created, my maternity
January 20th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Beautiful poem, elkabriker. Thank you for sharing it. It reminds me of all 4 of mine (of whom I have 2–God has the other 2), and what a blessing it was (and, sometimes, still is, altho'……)
Hang in there, girls! The 2nd trimester is the best. Ususally, the morning sickness is past, and you haven't yet encountered the "joys" of the 3rd. Plan now to get as much done then as you can.
All of you are in my prayers.