"Andrea" told me about a recent date with a young Catholic fellow she met at Theology on Tap. "We had a great conversation over dinner. We had a lot in common, and we were getting along really well." As they were leaving the restaurant, her date told Andrea how much he had enjoyed getting to know her, and that he would like to get together again. Then he casually dropped the bomb. "I'm actually trying to discern whether I am called to the priesthood or to the married life. Talking with you really helps me further clarify things…"
"I felt like I was being used as a test subject to stand in for the 'married vocation' side of the equation," she said. "It just didn't seem right to be dating at the same time as prayerfully considering a vocation to the priesthood. I'd be competing with God!"
To be fair, the young man had thought of it rather differently; this was one of the few young women he felt that he could open up with, and reveal his innermost thoughts. In his mind, it was sort of a compliment.
A back-handed one, if you ask Andrea.
Called to Be Heroes
This is not an uncommon scenario. In fact, I have heard Andrea's tale from many other young women! By now, the guys are protesting: You women want it both ways! You complain when we don't talk and then you complain when we do! You want us to sweep you off your feet, but then you tell us we are Neanderthals! You act like you can handle everything, and then you get mad when we let you take the initiative. You don't know what you want!
Yes, we do. We want our men to be heroes.
And men need to be heroes.
This is not a romantic pipe dream. Dr. Philip Mango, a licensed psychotherapist for more than thirty years, a guest lecturer at the John Paul II Institute, and founder of Saint Michael's Institute in New York City, tells us that men are called to be heroes.
"In every walk of life, in war and in peace, men are called by God to be heroes. They want to be activated, to use their natural and supernatural gifts. What is a hero? A man who transcends his own ego, his own fears, and his own selfishness, and makes a sacrifice of himself as a gift to those he's called to protect."
Heroism can only be developed in a man by other men.
This is where feminism has served us badly over the past several decades; for years we women insisted that we want to do everything a man does, and that we want our men to be "sensitive." We want to be able to be out in the work force, while our house-husband takes care of the kiddies. Sitcoms fondly portray the gay man who really understands us women — without sexual strings attached. He's like our best girlfriend, except with a hot body. But there's fallout. Men followed along with the feminist agenda, just like Adam did: "The woman you put here with me — she gave me fruit from the tree" (Gn 3:12). He sounds whiny already, doesn't he?
We have emasculated our men, says Dr. Mango.
"People are afraid of masculinity because they're afraid of a return to an authoritarian, rigid society that oppresses women — which was never part of authentic masculinity. To avoid upsetting anyone, many men settle for being nice guys, rather than leaders. But 'nice' doesn't cut it."
Solutions
First, a very simple fix. Women love men who have excellent manners. Manners have gone by the wayside in today's society. We really do appreciate it when the gentleman initiates the conversation, holds a door open for us, pays the bill, tells us we are beautiful, sends us flowers, notices attentively whether our glass needs refilling, calls us when he says he will call, takes charge of setting up the next date, and so on.
A friend of mine related a very disturbing story in which a man with whom she was having a casual conversation left her sitting alone at the bar — knowing that she would be forced to walk to the car alone, late at night. She tells me, "It happens very frequently that we [ladies] all arrive at parties by ourselves and leave by ourselves. It never occurs to the guys that walking around after dark is not desirable." You don't have to be attending an event in an urban crime center to walk the women to their cars. It is a simple case of good manners! Often, what is driving the lack of manners is fear. Men are afraid that active attentiveness — or staying too long at the bar with a single female — may send the "wrong signal" (for example, that he is ready to sign up for marriage prep).
Second, a not-so-simple fix. This is the rediscovery — and activation of — true masculinity. Dr. Mango tells us that there is a crisis of masculinity in our culture today. This may not be not big news to you. We have "gay marriages," clerical abuse, divorce, teen pregnancy, gang violence, more than thirty years of gender blurring feminist indoctrination, and an increasingly fatherless America.
What may be news, however, is Dr. Mango's solution.
The Archetypical Male
The solution is radical. Masculinity doesn't come ready-made in men. Although the archetypes of masculinity are deeply rooted in the male psychic structure, they need to be activated. Women often say about men, "Why do they always have to prove themselves?" Isn't that rather juvenile? Dr. Mango explains that, by nature, men must prove themselves. They must perform courageous acts daily in order to develop their masculinity.
"In a man, a consistent lack of physical courage is a problem. Men in their physical identity must embrace heroic self-sacrifice, because it is masculinity's job to protect life and be expendable."
In the Jungian archetypes, Mango discovers a fundamental truth about the nature of men and women, a truth that resonates deeply within us. Mango focuses on the male archetypes of warrior, king-leader, wise counselor and lover. The warrior selflessly fights for the glory and honor of his country, God, and his friends. He is neither a killer, nor macho, but a noble protector. The king-leader creates order and structure so that his people can grow and develop. The lover "understands the physical, sexual, economic, emotional, and psychological needs of the wife." The wise counselor listens and guides.
Jesus Christ is the perfect fulfillment of all the archetypes. To fully realize one's masculinity, Mango suggests that men have to resurrect from their subconscious these archetypical masculine roles — and activate them. To go back to Andrea's situation at the beginning of this article, her date was asking her to be the "wise counselor" and serve as a sounding board while he waited to "find himself." (But, as Pope John Paul II told us, man only finds himself in the sincere gift of self!) My friend who was left to pay her bill and walk herself to the car alone at night was forced to be "warrior." It should be the man who is warrior and wise counselor, not the woman. The gentleman who makes all the arrangements for a date and then arrives on time, well-dressed, with roses in hand, is the king and lover.
My single friends tell me that men seem to be afraid of commitment: the very word strikes fear into men's hearts. But what exactly do women mean by it? In one sense it is not such an alarming concept. By commitment, we don't necessarily mean that whenever we go on more than two or three dates, we need to see an engagement ring! But women don't like it when they feel that they are just being strung along, date after date — attending events together, hanging out at the local Theology on Tap, or just chatting over coffee — while the guy seems perfectly content to maintain the status quo so that it never goes beyond that. The woman questions, "Is this going somewhere? Is he waiting to see if someone more attractive comes along? Is he keeping his options open? What is he thinking?" The guy seems perfectly content, while the woman is wondering.
What seems to be missing here is intimacy. Dr. Mango tells us that intimacy is an essential pre-condition to agape. It is essential to the development of compatibility on a deep level. Intimacy is not simply "being close" — going to Mass together, going dancing or out to eat. Intimacy is when you risk something.
As one young woman told me, "I know I am able to take care of myself. I have confidence in that. But it sure doesn't take away the desire to have someone to take care of me — a protector, someone who makes me feel safe physically and emotionally. I would have to say that I am attracted to men who know what they believe, say what they mean, and follow through on what they promise. In short, a man of moral strength and good character."
What is a real man? Dr. Mango answers: "He's not a bully or a wimp. He transcends his own ego, his own fears, his own selfishness, and sacrifices himself as a gift to those he's called to protect."
January 18th, 2007 at 7:12 am
My husband is definitely a real man- When we were engaged, he went out and found a better paying job so that I could stay home and not be forced to work, when children came, there would be no issues about money. (Four years late, still waiting for children, but I still don’t work outside the home, no matter tight money has become).
I suffer terribly from debilitating depression, as well as back and shoulder pain, which have put me on disability, but my husband has never said a cross word about these ailments. He simply picks up the pieces where I left off and does what has to be done. I feel the guilt of my burden, but he never allows me to wallow as it is the cross with which I have been blessed.
When we go out, he prefers that I wear a skirt and loves it when I wear makeup. He loves my femininity, and always looks through the ladies magazines for outfits that would look good on me. He celebrates our profound differences, and it is simply heaven sent. (and in four plus years of marriage, the toilet seat has only been left up once, and I never said a word). I am a lady to him and that is how he treats me- chivalry isn’t dead yet, thankfully. MY mother thinks he walks on water as he does for her what he does for me (his mother gets antsy because of it, but since I have always expected chivalric behavior, he shows it towards all women. It was never an “issue” for us- I plainly stated my expectations, and he his, when we first started dating.
At this point in time, he is looking for another job in his profession , in the state where my parents live, so that he can relocate us as close as possible, so that my mother has help due to my father’s poor health. (Trust me, he and my mother are like two peas in a pod- she tells people that he only married me to be related to her and the two of them believe it)
God has blessed me with my spouse!!!!!!
January 18th, 2007 at 8:29 am
I think it is fair to say that many younger women, coming from a different culture where heartache from previous intimacies with boyfriends occurs early, have just as much difficulty committing as men with their heads screwed on straight. Fear is at the root of these problems, for both sexes. It’s a fear of being smothered or, its contrary, of being abandoned, that needs Christ’s healing love to fill. An essential part of allowing Christ’s love to work in us is accepting and loving ourselves for who we are, for how God has created us. If we accept and love even the fears we have, they tend to dissipate and authentic romance can enter in. Finally, in all cases it “takes two to tango.” If person’s are having difficulty bridging the relationship divide they should look first inside themselves to see if they are communicating unwares those fears which betray their lack of Christic self-love. Taking frequent time alone to be personally “creative,” in one’s own artistic or non-artistic way, can help here.
“[L]et us love not in word or speech but in deed and truth” (1Jn 3:18).
January 18th, 2007 at 9:52 am
This is so much in keeping with what Our Lady of America is asking of our children and our men and fathers in this country. Please read about what She is asking at http://www.ourladyofamerica.com and at http://www.oltiv.org
January 18th, 2007 at 10:17 am
This article was very informative. As a man I am encouraged and inspired to be “a hero” to my wife, my family, and society.
Dr. Mango did a great job putting into words what masculinity is.
Thank you and God bless you and your work.
January 18th, 2007 at 10:41 am
I appreciate the difficulty of taking on this topic. The problems young people today are facing in navigating relationships is serious. Struggling to explain gender is no small task.
I have to say, as a devout Catholic woman, I believe it is a mistake to speak about “feminism” in such a deeply negative way. Isn’t the heart of feminism recognizing the dignity and worth of all human beings? Of course it is. We may disagree with the turn the feminist conversation has taken, but we should not forget the bravery of the women who first asked the questions about what it means to be a woman. That’s the only reason we can today struggle with the question of what it means to be a man.
January 18th, 2007 at 10:48 am
Superb article!! Would Laraine consider writing a similar article entitled “Where have all the Real Women gone?” as a complement to this one??? Thank you!
January 18th, 2007 at 10:55 am
This article describes most of the Catholic men who live on the North side of Chicago. The sad thing is that many of them are getting older and are still alone. These men now see women their age as too old and are constantly making fools of themselves by asking out women much younger than they are. I was very lucky and met my husband through http://www.avemariasingles.com. When he first contacted me, the chip on my shoulder was huge as I had completely given up on meeting a real man. I wanted to be married but had absolutely no desire to date anymore. On our first date, I told him I would never return his calls. He kept calling me though (which absolutely shocked me during the first few weeks of our dating) and asking me out. He actually pursued me and remained perfectly chaste throughout our relationship. He took me out on nice dates, introduced me to his friends, was great to mine and told me about his devotion to Our Lady. Sometimes I still can’t believe we met even though we’ve been married for over two months now. I’m 37 and I beat the odds.
I am part of a large and growing group of women who are meeting their spouses online. The men in my parish have noticed this, but they act like they still don’t know what to do. A man I knew (who is married) said that dating in Chicago for many men is like looking for books at Barnes and Noble. There are so many books, and they are always there. A man can occupy his time by looking at the books, look for new ones, compare them and even read a few pages but then not buy anything after an hour or two and go home. That is how the Catholic community is in Chicago. There are way too many organized events (and too much alcohol), so young men and women see each other over and over again. Proper courtship is not emphasized. So many of my single frinds don’t even go to these events anymore as they are sick of all the men who follow them around, talk to them and take up their time but never ask them out.
We need programs on chastity, Theology of the Body and Marriage–not watered down Theology on Tap programs in bars. We desperately need more confession times in our churches, Eucharistic Adoration and a spritual director program for young adults. Young Adult Ministries Office, are you listening???
January 18th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Very informative article. I remember not so long ago when I was growing up, the macho actor Charles Bronson wondered where all the real men went to. He was right. A lot of men have let the media and universities feminize our masculinity, thus creating many of the peculiar social ills affecting families today. The fact of the matter is a culture is in steep decline, when women start to assume its leadership positions, while cosmetically usurping the qualities innate to men.
Evil flourishes where good men do nothing.
http://www.onemilliondads.com
http://www.onemillionmoms.com
January 18th, 2007 at 11:06 am
With regard to the young man who may be discerning a vocation to the priesthood: there are a lot of creepy men out there. HE is NOT one of them. Your article does address an interesting topic, however, the TOT man hardly qualifies as a jerk or an antihero. I think you could have given stronger, more pervasive and more relevant examples or unheros. For instance, the man who leaves his wife for a younger “Trixie” the minute the kids turn 18. OR the man who sterilizes himself, or even more craven, insists that his wife get her “tubes tied”. Or the man who insists his wife works so that the family can have “the good things” in life.
I am married to a heroic man and we’re raising 10 children, maybe 11, together on one income. I know that we are both being sanctified by our large family because every virtue is needed to raise a Holy Family which is our goal. Neither one of us has time to stop and pat ourselves on the back and say, “Honey, aren’t we heroic!” We just ARE…because God is I AM.
Thank you for the article…Oh! And I consider myself to be a Real Feminist!
January 18th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
I agree with the article for the most part, BUT, I am a big advocate of changing the language about this: emasculation. This term is always associated with feminism. Dr. Mango made it clear that women cannot make men men. That only comes from other men. I totally agree and if that is the case then why is their lack of manliness always blamed on women and feminism? I don’t think ‘emasculation’ is really possible. Indeed a man may have never received the type of fathering he needed, it’s even more detrimental to his ongoing formation to say that he is the way he is because of a woman or “women”. A lot of the problems out there aren’t caused by women preventing men from being men but rather because men have become lazy and are content in being so.
January 18th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
If women ask out loud for real men, they will get them. It is so good to see that there are women out there who want real men. People must be praying for Our Lady’s intercession.
GK – God is good!
January 18th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
My husband is a real man: he works hard, he invests a great deal of time with the maintenance and renovations of our home, and he treats me like gold. He came from am dysfunctional family, and got involved in drugs as a teenager. He had a conversion experience in his early twenties, and then he went to art school for three years (he is very artistically talented). Then in his late twenties, he started discerning the priesthood; a process which took about 12 years. While discerning the priesthood, he worked at low-paying jobs. After ruling out the priesthood, he never planned to marry, but God had other plans. When we met, I was 33 and he was 38; we married two years later. I never thought I would get married either; in my twenties I strayed from the Church and lead a less than holy lifestyle, and after coming back to the Church I didn’t think I would ever meet the right guy, but God blessed me with a wonderful man. I am the primary breadwinner in our marriage. This is not ideal and it is not the way either of us would have planned it, but as I mentioned he did not put much focus into his career since he was discerning the priesthood. As a nurse, I make more than double his salary. So if we are ever blessed with a child, he will stay home part-time and work weekends. I would rather be the one at home, but that is not a financial possibility for us, and I would much rather have our child be with my husband than be in daycare. When we got married, my husband offered to work two jobs or to go back to school and finish his degree. If we had gotten married in our twenties, I would have agreed to that. But at this point, after waiting 35 years for my husband, my priority is to have as much time with him as possible. Between his fulltime job, caring for his elderly mother, and renovating our house, he is so busy that we need to claim every moment together that we possibly can.
January 18th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
This was a lovely article. So many women, especially women serious about their Catholic faith, struggle with the old adage, “A good man is hard to find.” As we all have growing up to do, it is great that this article spells out how men are not boars . . . and are called to greatness.
I’m glad for the milder examples of where men fall short, since we all know the grosser ones. For my part, I have never dated, but have been told to try it because I am seriously discerning the religious life–as if that was required to make discernment healthy. I would not be surprised if the man from the first example was handed the same line.
May God bless us on our journeys to fulfill His will for our lives, both as men and as women.
January 18th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
I agree with “wilsone”! When women lost humility (displayed in church by no longer covering their heads), is when men started being pushed out of(or gave up)the manly role. If women want real men, real men need women to be real women, so when “females” take of the pants and put the dress back on, and start acting like real women men will start treating them the way they should be treated. We (men) are tired (scared) of being accused, sued, and stomped on. And by the way, the church hierarchy may be all male, but women are running the church, they control the education, the parish councils, the diocesan offices etc., etc., and the church is not in very good shape right now, as any “awake” Catholic knows. “Real men” for the most part no longer exist in the clergy either, men of all walks of life are running scared from the female attacks…..even the Bishops are hiding. Women need to be more like the Blessed Virgin Mary (humble and submissive),so that men can be more like St. Joseph (caring and protective). Because of todays social climate, the women have to take the lead on this and give men a chance to be what they ought to be. You have been challenged to put your skirt back on, and let us wear the pants you took from us when you decided to hang up your skirts. God has assigned roles to women and men, and when we ignore His assignment things just don’t go right. Women need to be mothers, and men need to be providers. May all take their proper role, and live according to God’s plan, we’ll have a better society.
January 18th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
In “Wild at Heart,” John Elderidge brought up these same topics only expounding upon them more deeply (he wrote a whole book on the subject!). Read it–just overlook the Protestant incompleteness (e.g. priest’s are not warriors; nothing could be further from the truth if you know your Lives of the Saints!).
January 18th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Interesting piece.
I agree with elkabrikir that the first example in the article is poor one to use. There are plenty of examples of men who are not real men out there, but this is not one of them. It is a better example of a woman who doesn’t understand vocation. She is not competing with God. God is calling — whether to a married state or to religious vows is not a contest, but a discernment of one’s state in life. God is calling in both states, the question is to which?
As a culture we have forgotten that is precisely what courtship is for — discerning whether or not this person is the one God is calling for your state in life.
Good manners, while a worthy thing, are not the fix. Bad manners are a symptom of a society which does not know that human persons all have a dignity which requires respect. The problem is so basic, it requires different thinking about what a person is, what a man is, what a woman is, and what a family is. These are things the Church has always taught, but must be re-discovered.
I’m not sure what to say about using another poor example, that of the woman frustrated at not having a man she met at a bar at night walk her to her car. My limited experience is that women who are looking for a good man are not going to find one by going to bars alone at night. And women who go to bars alone at night are generally not going to find a good man. Regardless,a woman leaving a bar at night with a man she did not come in with means something, and it’s not good manners. Having a man walk her to her car is likely to get her more than just a walk to the car.
There are definitely fundamental problems with manhood as well as womanhood and familyhood in western society these days.
Again — interesting piece. Thanks CE!
January 18th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Perhaps an article on how the emasculation of men has harmed our male priests and bishops, eh? Few warriors there… Most are content to be a counselor only, but when the need to lay down one’s life for the Truth presents itself, they back away.
Esto vir!
St. Josemaria Escriva, pray for us!
January 18th, 2007 at 7:29 pm
Not sure what to think about the aforementioned example either. Discernment isn’t so clear as it may seem externally. It doesn’t always end up with a clear yes or no. Not all who discern end up getting a “yes” in response, and for those who don’t, there my not be a clear “no” either. For such men there may always be questions looming – discernment will continue until vows are taken one way or another. In such a case, what is a man to do? Is it ‘heroic’ to stop there, not moving on in either direction? Not to sound unheroic, but life is not always so clear cut.
January 18th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Dr. Mango spoke at this year’s Couple-to-Couple League (CCL) Convention in Arkansas this past June, raising exactly these points that Ms. Bennett so eloquently relates in her article.
Indeed we need to be heroes: for ourselves; for our wives (or our spouse, the Church, as the case may be); for our children, whether begotten from the union of Matrimony or the spiritual union of Holy Orders. The question often is how to be heroic? And a part of the answer, at the least, is that we must undertake those risks necessary to discover this answer, put it into practice, and amend it when, inevitably (and it is to be hoped, temporarily) we err.
January 19th, 2007 at 8:08 am
I read articles posing this question all the time. What I’d really like to know is, where have all the real women gone?
January 19th, 2007 at 8:55 am
I love what Protect the Rock said — our society as a whole has lost respect for the dignity of the individual person, created in the image of God. It is a a culture of death so pervasive that it influences our most personal decisions about our partners, our families, our very gender identity. We keep asking ourselves what mold we fit into instead of using the discernment process to find the path and role God has planned for each of us. Christianity is counter-cultural, and in this culture I think that means loving the individual, including ourselves, enough to allow authentic, loving relationships of mutual respect grow and flourish. By falling into hair-splitting arguments about who isn’t living up to the ideal of manhood or womanhood is playing right into this culture. We shouldn’t be aiming for an accepted role as a man or woman, but instead the role God had planned for us since the beginning of time.
There are two Marys in the Gospels — one was the loving mother, and one was the first witness to the Resurrection. Each had particular gifts and our Lord made it very clear that each was to be respected. “Manhood” or “womanhood” were not terms that mattered. Being true to the call of God was and is what is most important.
January 19th, 2007 at 9:34 am
Talking about Christianity being counter cultural … I love Christ’s teaching of the Beatitudes. Through Jesus’s grace may we all seek to follow them in this our fallen world.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you falsely because of me.
10 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven.
GK – God is good!
January 20th, 2007 at 12:34 am
RE: Wild at Heart
Wonderful book that takes Dr Mango’s great article to a more detailed level. I am currently reading The Way of The wild Heart, which is a continuation of the former. If you, as a man would like to learn how to overcome the shortcomings of your masculinity, up-bringing and heal the wounds left by our fathers, please read these books.
They will allow you to be a man!