Brother Sebastian, 
 Hello.  In 2003 the local diocese received me into the Church from Lutheranism.  The only real ambition has been to grow as close to God as possible.  Initially, it was assumed that meant to serve as a preist (but this diocese won’t accept converts into the priesthood) & there are several examples of this.  Then, it was thought as a Benedictine monk, I could grow & work together.  Unfortunately, things didn’t work out.  Each day, when not working, I try to say the Divine office & other prayers.  Still, it seems that I am my own worst enemy — taking one step forward & 3 or 4 steps back.  Is there anything I’m doing wrong?  It’s understood that we’re to be as giving as God, as loving & sacrificial as He is; but, I’m not.  The spiritual director advises me to keep trying.  Still, it seems that there ought to be something more one can do or, am I simply trying to control God this way, too?  Thanks for any input you may be able to offer.   
  Pax,  Jeff Sharp